So effing tired of this bs disease (BPD)

I'm really tired of my bpd and companions depression/suicidal ideation and its getting worse. I'm not in treatment-I've done talk therapy twice for a total of two years with two therapists and it did absolutely nothing for me. I just continue to self destruct and spiral downwards. I feel myself going off the deep end and its so embarrassing-im 30, i wasn't supposed to fuck up this hard this early on. everyone is disappointed in me and I just either cut or find a random guy to sleep with me but it always makes me feel worse afterwards. then there is my mom who yells at me and humiliates me in front of people and I can't escape because I live with her. then there's my ********* customer service job where I get yelled at all day and I just want to walk out and to the nearest cliff and jump off. I'm so tired. nothing takes this pain away. not drugs, not alcohol, not sleeping with guys or carving up my own flesh. nothing. I just feel like I'm lost in space floating out there alone and screaming but I'm too much of a coward to pull the cord and get it over with. I'm so tired. not even sleep brings relief. I hate each day and I'm just so tired of this life I'm living.