I’m still not good enough.

I’m 15 years old and I don’t know whats wrong with me.

I used to be meek and introverted, and I never really had friends. I started doing theatre last year and made friends, but I’ve never really told anyone what’s happened to me and how it affects me.

When I was little, probably around 9, my parents would always go over to their friends house and their son, who was about my age, would always kiss me. He’d take me into his room and we’d lay on his bed and kiss. I don’t know where he learned it or why I went along, but I did.

In 8th grade, I was hurt. I don’t know if it’s considered sexual assault or whatever, but my boyfriend at the time put his hands in my pants and when I told him to stop and that I didn’t want it, he grabbed my throat and all I could do was cry.

My “friends” didn’t believe me. Long story short, they started to spread rumors about me and I stopped being around them. I was alone.

When I got into high school, some stars aligned and a couple of strangers saw me alone and invited me to join theatre. I quickly fell in love with all things tech, improv, and acting. And I was actually pretty good at it.

A little over a year ago, I had just done my second improv show. I had found a couple friends and talked to one person about what had happened. I was in the green room getting ready to go home and the senior who gave me rides home asked me to suck his dick. I laughed, thinking he was making a joke, and then he exposed himself telling me that if I didn’t he’d tell everyone that we had sex and I was a filthy whore. I started crying and no one came.

I slept at the school that night.

After that, I didn’t know how to cope. Theatre had brought me so much happiness, and I got hurt again. I felt lost. I developed a pretty bad drinking habit.

A couple months later, I found my self two states away and sucking a 17 year old guys dick in a parking lot. At this point, I had two good friends. And they were unbelievably upset with me. What I did was unacceptable so I didn’t even try to justify it to them, but the way I saw it, I had a choice. This was the first time I had a choice with anything sexual. But after that, I got my shit together real fast.

Fast forward to a couple weeks ago, and I came forward about what had happened in the green room. Apparently, that guy had done this to 7 other girls. It horrified me, but my teacher/director/friend told me that it’s important for me to come forward about it. So many people were hurt by him, and maybe even more. I was able to raise my voice, and I did so for myself and those who couldn’t.

I feel like nothing has changed.

I’ve become a much stronger person. I’m outgoing, I’m hardworking, I’m an All-State actor, I’m performing at the International Thespian Festival this summer, I’m on a two time All-State improv team. I’ve found where I belong, but since people have started looking up to me. I am such a bad person. I have made so many mistakes. I like think that I’m strong and powerful, but in reality I cry myself to to sleep most nights.

I pretend to be happy and I don’t know how long I’ve been pretending. I think back and all I can remember is fake smiles and loneliness.

I don’t know where to go from here.