This was my first pregnancy and first miscarriage. I was roughly 8 weeks when I lost my baby this past Monday. I had gone into the hospital for persistent brown bleeding that had been going on for a few days. I hadn’t gone in sooner because I’m a person who is obsessed with studying and researching. I read and read and asked millions of questions. So I knew light brown bleeding is old blood and nothing to worry about. It got worse on Saturday and that’s when I started to worry and went in.

When I got to the hospital they did blood work. Left me sitting for an hour. Once they came back in he tells me my levels are way too low and I’m likely miscarrying and sends me home with no ultrasound. Just tells me to call my doctor first thing Monday morning. I cried until I was sick that night. I cried until I didn’t think I could cry anymore. I was and still am utterly heartbroken that I will never get to meet my sweet angel.... Monday morning when I called my doctor the brown had turned to red but was very very light. I didn’t have any discomfort at the time either. They told me to keep my appointment that I already had scheduled for the following morning at 8:30am. They told me to call them if things got worse. By midnight I was bleeding heavily and the cramps were insane. I could even feel my uterus shuttering and contracting (like when you get a cramp in your calf and the muscles spaz) I knew exactly what was happening and I know that a miscarriage can not be stopped nor prevented. If it’s going to happen it will happen. I made the decision to “pass” my baby in the comfort of my own home and confirm it with my doctor the next morning. I did not want to sit in an emergency room again for hours only to get a very unsympathetic response from the doctor there. When I confirmed with my ob the next morning my womb was empty. He was so kind and considerate and reassured me in the best way he could that this loss was not preventable and for the best interest of mom and baby as there was obviously something wrong. I didn’t cry and at that moment, took it like a champ. I thought I’d be okay. I was wrong...

I had another post in a different group the night it was happening. Before I had made the decision to stay home. A woman commented on my post telling me that I did not care about the baby I carried or I would have been at the hospital the moment it turned to active miscarriage. I was so hurt by her comment.

I care about my baby. I LOVE my baby. No matter how small my child was when I lost them. I loved my baby with every fiber of my being the moment I saw the test line appear on my home test. I am devastated that I will never have the fortune of holding my baby in my arms. I will never watch my bump and later my child grow. I will never see the grandchildren they might have one day had. And it kills me. To tell me I don’t care about my angel is inconsiderate and totally out of line.

I cried so hard last night after reading that. I cried inconsolably to the point my fiancé held me in his arms and cried with me. People astound me..

I will love my angel till the day I die and pray everyday for my rainbow baby..