Today is the 6th anniversary of my father in laws passing... my husband hasn’t been the same since and has really bad ptsd. It was a 4 wheeling accident between the two of them and no matter how much I tell him he will always blame himself. The other day he had a break down but I feel like it was a breakthrough! He was crying for the first time in years and he was telling me about how much it means to him that I am pregnant with his child, he said that “in 6 years I’ve lost my father and essentially 3 children.. the fact that you’re carrying my son, that you love me enough to have a child with me means the world to me”.. he told me that he thinks it’s time he sees a counselor because he doesn’t want to raise his kid in the mental state he’s in (finally!!!!! I’ve been waiting for him to be ready for this for years!!! It’s not something you can push or force and I’m elated that he finally wants help). Our relationship has been strained at times— dealing with the grief, 2+years of trying, fertility treatments and 3 miscarriages really puts a damper on your libido...but it’s times like this I find the silver lining in a horrible situation, every happy accomplishment and moments will always have a sad undertone because his dad won’t be there to see it, but seeing the raw emotion reminds me of why I married this man and I know that things will be okay. It will always be a struggle because the pain will never go away, but I hope one day that he can live his life with his dad in his heart and not a burden on his mind. God truly has blessed us with this little one!

Otto Wayne we love you and know that your grandpa Adam Wayne Schwab would’ve been so beyond happy to meet you!