I am broken.

2 years ago I shared a bed with a guy I saw as a big brother. I had had an argument with my parents and had gone to my friends for the night. He demanded he stayed with me, as he didn’t want me alone. I thought nothing of it. He was my friend, my brother and I trusted him completely.. as we laid in bed he asked if we could cuddle and I said no, turned over and went to sleep. I woke up early hours of the morning to find his hand under my pants and resting on my bum. I moved away, still pretending to be asleep to avoid awkwardness and fell back asleep. The next morning he made a joke about it all, “we spooned last night” he laughed. I said nothing.

Dealing with that alone was hard and since then I have dealt with severe panic attacks, my anxiety hit the roof and I was in a constant state of disbelief. Well, in the early hours of this morning I found out he had done much more. A friend of mine told me that he had bragged about this occasion, saying that he had done much more than just touched my bum and that I would never know. I was distraught. My friend confronted him at 2 in the morning, stood on his doorstep and all he could say was “yeah, and?” I feel sick.

I had nightmare after nightmare last night. I’ve broken down 3 times today. I am shattered and I will never know exactly what he did.

And what makes it worse? He did this after I told him that my ex had forced me into a situation I wasn’t happy with and had pinned me down until he was satisfied. He took advantage of my trust and vulnerability.