To be a good woman

I want to be good. I want to be grateful for all that I have. I want to be fulfilled by my accomplishments. I want to gracefully concede to my flaws and mistakes. I want to live in the present, and love myself unconditionally, here and now. I want to end my selfish existential pursuits. Exercises in futility that leave me distracted and absent from my life. I want to be as authentic and selfless as one could reasonably be. I have yet to do these things. In all the roles I serve I feel that I am failing. I feel like a fraud and a fake. I’m doing a dance. I’m putting on a show. I am exhausted from living in this way, however I cannot break out of my habitual farce.