Bettering myself?

Question

For those of you who went through something such as depression, anger, or anything related to that how did you get passed it without therapy? I want to go to therapy, but I’m scared I won’t be able to afford it. Once place I called wanted $90 upfront. I don’t have that right now, and I don’t want to ask my husband for the money. I don’t think it’s his responsibility to pay for my issues. I want to be a better person. I’m a horrible wife and mother. My precious, innocent, loving husband and daughter suffer because of me. I hate myself for it. I don’t understand how they still love me. It seems like I’m taking out my frustration on them. I have a job that I hate. I’m leaving in a couple months, but for now I know I have to cope with it. I feel so terrible for how I treat my two year old. I get mad at her for simply being two. Sometimes I spank her, but I swore I wouldn’t do that. I almost shook her. I put the pacifier in her mouth to stop her from crying too rough. Now she has a mark or her lip. I feel so guilty I could turn myself into CPS. I love my baby so much, so I know I need to get help. I don’t want to a bad mom like mine was. My mom was abusive towards me, and I don’t want to be like her. I need help, but can’t afford therapy. I have health insurance, but I don’t know if it will cover all of it. How do I help myself without therapy? I’m willing to do anything so my family will no longer suffer. Please help.

Answer

Keep a journal and get your thoughts off your chest. End it with a compliment to yourself. Even if it’s just a silly “you didn’t commit a felony today by murdering your coworkers”. I keep a gratitude log so when I get mentally stuck on the past or anxious about making changes to my future, I can look back on it and remind myself that everything in life is temporary and I’m building life how I want it to be. Do you have a new job lined up? Whenever I was unhappy in a workplace, I always struggled keeping it from affecting other aspects of my life.

Answer

I read a lot of self-help books and spiritual books. Dr. Wayne Dyer’s books are good, and I also read/watched “The Secret,” and it put a lot of things in perspective for me. Good luck!

Answer

I agree .. priority 1 is the safety of your daughter.  I would find someone you trust to call to come get your daughter when you are overwhelmed and sometimes I would have to just walk away for awhile (with the baby in a safe location such as a crib/play pen). It was hard as I felt like a terrible mother as well because I couldn’t console my child.  
When your husband is home, take some time to decompress by yourself, whether walking around Target/Walmart for an hour, getting a coffee with a friend, or attending a support group with others that are struggling with depression/anger/anxiety or even a parenting class.  Sometimes a moms group is helpful too!  You will find out you are not alone in your struggles, have those that understand when and why your calling or asking for help, and you can learn things to help you understand/handle such situations.  The person that runs these groups can also help you find resources for other programs in your neighborhood.
I would also talk to your doctor about your feelings to see if she would recommend an Rx for depression/anxiety.  
I am also felling like a terrible mother.  My 15y is on probation and I feel I failed him somewhere to get him in this path.  I suffered from severe postpartum depression when he was born which stems from placing his biological sister up for adoption at 16, not receiving any counseling prior to of after the adoption, and the adoptive parents pulling away from the open adoption when she was one. My BF at the time (father to both) was extremely mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive. I talked to my doctor this past year and I’m on depression and anxiety meds to cope with day to day life to even out my moods. I got very overwhelmed with my husband working many nights, 3 kids in after school activities, and my 15y son being diagnosed with ADHD/ODD that our fights were headed to be physical between us (they had already started to get physical with my husband (his step dad) and son. Something had to be done. I relied on family and friends to remove him from my home when things were overwhelming. We both needed the break. 
Unfortunately, your daughter is much younger and I understand that is not as easy but there are resources available and it’s up to us moms to reach out and find it to get our foot in the door to getting the help we need. Keep your head up and reach out!  Someone will help.

Answer

Call your insurance company to see if it will cover therapy.  Also, is there perhaps a friend you can confide in?  I am so sorry you have to go through this.  Depression is a tough thing.  One suggestion I have is to just walk away when you are feeling frustrated.  Walk away until you cool down.  Also, find some things that you enjoy.  Whether it's a book, puzzles, a walk around the block.  Just something that will take your mind off things.  You also might want to take the time to document your feelings.  Sometimes, just writing stuff down is therapeutic in and of itself.  I really hope some of these suggestions help.

Answer

Priority #1 for me here would be child safety. If your at the point where you feel like you could turn yourself into CPS for the things you’ve done, then that needs to be addressed first and foremost. Meaning - you’ve got to do whatever it takes to fix the issue (meaning: get help for yourself).  
You’ve got a husband and marriage is all about working through things together. I think you should tell him how you feel. I think you should check into sliding scale places (if in the US - call 211 and ask for sliding scale therapists in your area). I think you should find out for sure how much therapy costs (instead of worrying that you Might not be able to pay).  I think you should call your insurance company and find out what the costs for you would be. I think lots of people put their money where their priorities are (nice house, nice clothes, entertainment, etc). You could do the same. Maybe sit down with your husband and find out how to re-prioritize your money for the sake of child safety and for the sake of your sanity and marriage too! 
Generational patterns often repeat themselves. Statistics suggest that those who were abused as children are more likely to abuse their own children. Does this happen every time? Absolutely not. But it does happen. And I think you should take an active stance against letting this happen by doing whatever it is you’ve got to do to be the best mom you can be for your daughter. My suggestion is professional therapy because it seems like some of these issues may be rooted deeply into your childhood.

Answer

okay first off you need to stop being alone with your daughter before you seriously hurt her second you need medication you need therapy and you need to tell your husband I'm sure he would not mind helping you especially when he finds out how you're doing your daughter I'm sorry I'm a hard time focus on helping you all I can think about is your little girl please stop being quiet about this speak to your husband tell him what you're doing your health insurance will pay for majority of it if not all of it the fact that you know what you were doing proves you can stop it you're very self-aware about what you're doing to or you will not be on here discussing it please get help 4 your daughter get up and get your own help  call tell them you need help if you have to turn yourself in the CPS do not hurt that baby girl again if you love her as much as you said you do then get help!

Bettering myself?

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