Lost baby at 16 weeks now I don’t think I want to try again.

My husband and I have been together 21 years . Our son is 20. We have no other kids. I am 38 he is 37. Back in February we fell pregnant. He was in live with the idea and I felt miserable. Went to dr and was diagnosed with severe antenatal depression. I was self harming and fantasizing about not being pregnant on a daily basis. I couldn’t help how I was feeling. Weekly talks with a counselor helped and I stayed positive. Once hormones settled I loved the idea and then suddenly at 15 weeks 6 days my water ruptured and we found there was no chance at baby surviving. We went to hospital that day and had to have a d and e. During procedure they found I had a major infection and it was turning sepsis already and suffered significant blood loss. I was told if I had waited another day I could have died or lost my uterus.

We are both so crushed by this. It breaks my heart to see my husband hurting like he does and I can’t stop thinking about it and how I feel so bad hating the pregnancy in the beginning. He wants to try again when he is ready but I know I am pretty much done. The thought of going through depression again and feeling like I did and maybe losing another baby is just to much to bear. I feel awful but I also feel like there is so much more I want from my life than to start over. Anyone have any advice? I would hate to get pregnant again just to make him happy and hate my new life 😔.