Don’t want to test. Too nervous

I am on cycle day 38.. last period was May 10-14 (4days is normal for me) I know I need to test. But part of me really doesn’t want to .. I have had one MC and many negatives I just can’t get myself to get the excitement to test. This should be an exciting time for me and yet I just panic at the thought of having to go get one all for it to be negative.

I 200% want a baby. No doubt about that. I just don’t know how to get that jump back in my step to test. Ugh. Hope this is ok to post in here