Im awful, Feel so bad

So I always wanted zero or two kids. Zero didnt happen.

Husband always wanted one, but he understood my reasons (companion growing up, each kid will have each other when both of us are dead, back up kid... lol)

So the plan was since Im already 36, let’s try this year. If nothing happens, we are good with the one we have. And no regrets, cuz we tried.

I guess a big part of me didnt think anything will happen. I’m older. My mom had me then had no more. So expectations were low.

Just 3 months of no prevention, and I couldnt even say we tried. Lo and behold, positive. 5 weeks pregnant

I should be happy but I cant seem to be. Now im like wtf was I thinking.

I had HG and bad reflux with my first, now Im freaking out it will happen again.

Although my labour with my first was easy, no idea why I want to do it again. It hurts.

Those torturous baby non stop eat and poop late nights at 3rd week old. How am I going to deal with lack of sleep and a newborn and 4 yr old?

The low income year during mat leave. Will have to use savings.

Then the additional childcare costs. Its going to now put us like living on paycheck to paycheck.

Worse, I feel like I betrayed my first kid. Before, affording trips and extracurricular activities are no problems. Now there seems like no way. I feel like I took something away from her.

WTH was I thinking?

Although termination crossed my mind, I will feel tooo guilty to go through with it. So in a way, im hoping something is not brewing right and mother nature will just terminate on its own.

As more symptoms begin to show (now some queasiness, an indication of likely healthy pregnancy, and recurrence of HG slowly developing, like last time), im getting disappointed that this thing will continue to develop to full term.

Im awful. Maybe some of you might think im sick minded to even think like this. So many women ttc for years with nothing, and here I am got pregnant with no effort. This I also feel guilty.

Im sorry. I cant share how I truly feel with anyone. This is my only venue to let it out. Husband thinks it was a choice I made early on, and so I need to stick to it. Parents want more grandkids so they will only encourage keeping the kid.