Dear Friend

Dear B, I hate you. I hate what you make me feel. I hate how you decided to disappear out of my life the moment you got a girlfriend and she found out about me. I understood though. I knew you had to do what you had to do. I hate that when you randomly pop into my head you decide to turn up. Once a year. Behind her back. You call me. Text me. Visit me. All behind her back, secretly. She hates me and has never met me. It wasn’t my fault. You and I have a different type of friendship. We were so close. We’ve been intimate. We’ve kissed. We’ve touched. We’ve shared secrets. We’ve shared emotions. We’re close to each other’s family. My parents really enjoy your company. You have been a close guy friend since 9th grade, 12 years ago. A year ago, You told me you loved me and knew that we were too far into something with other people. Since that day, I’ve hated you. I hate you because we’ve had this crazy attraction emotionally and physically. We’ve shared things that nobody knows and seen things only we will ever know. We were supposed to happen, but every time we got close, we’d turn the other way. I was afraid. I was nervous. I know you were too, but I’m angry. Angry thy you decide to come forth about your true feelings and intentions 5 years into my current relationship and while you’ve been living with your girl for 2 years. I hate you because when you had the time to share about your moments with her I’d listen, but when I would try to share, you’d get jealous. You’d say you didn’t want to know about things we couldn’t do. Why did you tell me you loved me? But not like a friend? Then this week, out of nowhere, you decide to call me after a year to check in. To tell me you missed me and really wanted to see me. Then I broke the news to you. I’m getting married in less than 3 months. You went silent. That minute felt like the coldest moment in our friendship. All you could manage to say was “good for you”. Seriously? I did say I would invite you though. You are invited. I want you to be there. I want you to be there so bad and for so many reasons. I want you to see me walk down the aisle and say “i do”. I want you to share a dance with Me. I want whatever it is that we have to be done. It’s been too long. It was great. I loved it. I love you. I always have. It doesn’t mean anything anymore. When you said “I love you”, my heart stopped. I was confused because I had always wanted to hear it. It was just too late. You were 5 years too late. I hate you because you were there for every heart break. You were there for so many experiences. You were the guy I could always count on. But you failed me. You failed us. It’s too late. I’m marrying the man I love and who wasn’t afraid to tell me. I hope I see you at my wedding, but I doubt I will. I’m sure you’ll disappear again and decide to pop up eventually. If you do show up at my wedding, I’ll be happy. I’m not going to deny it. Your presence has always made me so happy. Genuinely happy. Genuine happiness that nobody else has ever given me. I love your heart. I love your personality. I love how you made me feel for so long. I love how your kisses felt. I love how our first kiss was in the rain. I love how we played nervous until we had explored every part of ourselves. I loved the times we had in your room. The times we played guitar and sang together. The times you came over to just sit there and talk to me. I love how you would just call me in the middle of the night to talk to me about a band or a video game. I miss how you would try to show me how to play your nerdy card games. I loved how you shared your deepest insecurities with me and how you sang your heart out for me. I loved how we had “our song”. Our conversations had so much depth. I loved you. I still love you, but it’s too late. I hate you. I hate that your phone call is making me feel all this. I hate that after that phone call, all I could think about was your hazel eyes staring at me. I hate you so much. I really hope you come to my wedding. Please do. You can bring her too. I would really like to meet her. She’s a special girl. I’m happy she makes you happy. I hope you know my fiancé makes me super happy. He’s so good to me. He takes care of me in every way. I’m glad you’ve met him and got along with him. He really likes you and has said you’re a cool guy. I hope you come. Please do. Maybe whatever it is we have had for 12 years will finally end. Maybe the spark will finally go out. Maybe l’ll be able to let go of the frustration you caused a year ago. Maybe we’ll both be able to move on completely. I love you. I’ve loved you for so long. I just want you to be happy and stop making me feel this way. 😔

-K💙