Ok, so...

I had my first daughter when I was 19, stupid, young etc. I wanted to breastfeed because 1. its cheaper, 2. I knew it was good for the baby. I breastfed for about 12 weeks, supplementing a little here and there. I fought mastitis the entire 12 weeks. I had no resources, no one in my family had breastfed (in at least 20 years lol), and I had WIC trying to shove formula down my throat. I had a clogged duct in my armpit that got to the size of a golf ball. My baby had bad colic, bad reflux, and a latching problem (which could have been easily corrected if I knew what I was doing or had help.) it was painful the whole time and I was just miserable.

So, with my second daughter, I was dead set on successfully breastfeeding and I did. I thought I failed my first, I researched, I wrote everything down, nursed on demand, got help, found a lactation counselor, I MADE my family be okay with it and I nursed freely, tit out, for 13 months. It was hard as hell but she never got a drop of formula and I was so proud.

Breastfeeding was better, baby wearing, cloth diaper was better, homemade baby food was better, so I was a better mom, right. A better mom then the first time around. My baby was a goof baby. Hardly ever cried, grew like a weed, walked early, talked early, and it was all because I did everything right.

Well now my first is 4, my second baby is 2, and I’m 35 weeks pregnant. My second is definition of terrible twos. She’s so mean. She hits, snacks, pulls, pinches, screams like a banchee all day long. Is soooooo clingy and knows how to touch every nerve I have. My husband works out of town M-F so it’s just me and the girls. Idk if it’s the hormones, the hard af pregnancy, my predisposition to depression or just me but it takes every oz of me to do this. To take care of these kids, along with our dogs, housework and yard work, moving, etc.

I feel like I could not handle breastfeeding again, especially if it’s hard like the first go round. Also I don’t think I could handle having another baby clung to me like a baby koala while my 2 year old is being her terrible, jealous, crying self. Especially being by myself all the time. Don’t get me wrong my husband helps out on the weekend when he’s home but there are 5 other days during the week that it’s just me and the kids. I just feel like it would be sooooo much easier to do formula. But I know I can breastfeed, I did it for over a year, and it’s so much better for baby, not to mention cheaper (we don’t have a ton of extra cash right now ) part of me said I would just breastfeed for like 6 weeks while baby is tiny and needs it most, and then switch to formula but that’s just mean right! So selfish. I know. I used to think anyone who didn’t at least try was so selfish. But I know my body, I know my mind, I know my kids and my household and I think if I exhausted myself breastfeeding again I would be no good to myself or my kids.

Ughhh idk does that make sense to anyone?