One year later...

So on January 18th of last year, I found out I was pregnant. I had been trying for awhile so I was obviously over the moon.

The father ended up taking off across the country to be with his new girlfriend. It hurt, but I still had my baby so there wasn't much I could complain about.

I had my first ultrasound at the 12 week mark. I went through hearing the heartbeat for the first time which was magical. I had my sonogram pictures to show my family.

And at the five month mark, got to find out I was having a little boy.

My little Clay.

About a week later, I went back in upon request by my doctor and there wasn't a heartbeat anymore. It just stopped. I'm told something detached and he stopped getting everything he needed to live.

My life went on pause for six months. I literally stopped living for half a year and did contemplate suicide at one point.

I am much better now but the last six months haven't been easy.

To try and forgive my body for what happened. To not hate the world so much. For getting angry at people who could walk around like it was the same place.

I have started trusting myself again and have made the decision to try again. Starting over is daunting but I have faith in this process.

I guess all I can say is that everything happens for a reason and that it does get better. My most precious son is in God's hands and I will see my gift again. I believe that.