‼️Warning Long Post‼️

For years I have struggled with my self confidence, my depression, my anxiety, and my self worth. An over the years I have wrote letters to express my feelings. Everyday is still a challenge but everyday I get a little stronger. Everyday I am able to get out of bed a little earlier than the day before. Everyday Little by little I get energy and the want to do things. Mental health isn’t a joke and if you suffer from mental health issues like I do you will completely understand. It not just not in your head it’s physically & emotionally draining just going out in public makes you feel like you have ran 5 marathons.

I want to share a letter that I wrote almost a year ago. I have never shared my letters before but I feel like it’s important because people need to know metal health is a real thing and not an excuse. But it became an excuse if you don’t do something about it and seek help and guidance. Reading this letter gives me reassurance that I have come a long way just from almost a year ago and it gives me the strength to continue my mental health healing journey. I know I will never be 100% an that I will probably need to continue seeing a theory the rest of my life and be on medication to help me along my journey. But excepting the help is just the 1st step. Mental health is a never ending battle but it ultimately your chose if you want your mental health to define you as a person or if you fight and be your own true self ♥️

☯️MY LETTER☯️

Why? Why do I fill like life gave me a shit hand? Why does it seem like things have to be 10X harder for me then it is on other people? Up until my young adulthood I lived my life the way my parents raised me. To be respectful, be kind, don’t bully, show everyone kindness even if they don’t do the same in return... Throughout all my school years including some of the college I attended I always did the right thing. I never spread rumors or gossiped, I never bullied others even if they bullied me, I never got in trouble or in fights, I never snuck out, I never smoked in high school, and I never went out and partied and did stupid shit… But yet here I am I’m 22 I have 2 little boys 1 I am his Mom and 1 for all I know doesn’t even know I excite. An another little boy on the way. I am blessed with being a mommy to Jeremy and soon to Finn. I have an amazing Fiancé who loves me so much. But yet I still feel empty I still feel like I fighting with myself over something I can’t even grasp to understand what it is. Is it because I wasn’t there 100% for Jeremy the 1st year of his life and I feel guilty for it? Is it because Isaac isn’t mine and he will never know how much I truly love him and want him. Is it because I’m going to be here 100% for Finn and feel like I cheated Jeremy due to not realizing what I needed to do for Jeremy sooner. I feel like I’m always trying to prove something to someone.  Trying to prove to my parents that I am a good mom that can take care of her family and isn’t completely insane. To Robert constantly feeling I have to prove that I’m 100% faithful to him and our family due to my stupidity at the beginning of our relationship and lying about things I shouldn’t of even lied about because I was trying to avoid a fight that ended up happening anyways because of me. Constantly feeling like I’m walking on egg shells with Michael proving that I am a good mom to Jeremy and I right my wrong from when Jeremy was 6 months old and not getting on his bad side so he doesn’t take it out on Jeremy and pull the I’m going to take him away from you card. I’m so tired of feeling this way but I know if I give up everything will just come crumbling down on top of me. I’ll become labeled that young bad mom that abandoned her kids, the daughter that failed her whole family, the problem child that their parents just want to hide in the coat closet and not talk about, the person who pushes everyone who ever cared or loved for them away because I don’t know how to handle being loved, the girl that is so scared and damaged it would just be easier to hide in a dark room for ever then anyone having to deal with how truly fucked up and broken you are. For someone who tried to live their life with good morals and just try to show others kindness instead of hatred or selfishness. I seemed to get the shit end of everything. From being beaten up and bullied in high school by pretty much everyone some people I didn’t even know. To being rapped and violated of by someone who you knew for 10+ years and always thought they were there to support and protect you someone who you looked up to and wanted to strive to be like them. So why me? Why do I have to deal with all this fear, all this negativity, all this brokenness, all this fucked up hard shit when there are horrible heartless people out there never having to go through half the things I have had to go through. Why have I had to be at the point where I tried to take my own life due to others actions? Why does someone like me have to constantly fight just to keep afloat? Why do I have to fight everyone else’s demons why they get to move on and be happy? Why do I have to struggle when all I’ve ever tried to do is be kind and genuine? Why do negative people who do negative things get to live without their demons and I get left with them?