I’m sorry this is the longest post ever!!

So I met this guy when i was in college and in the beginning I didn’t see the warning signs because I was so caught up in being in a new relationship. 5 months into our relationship, i realized he was not someone who really truly cared about me. He was constantly trying to get back together with his ex behind my back so I broke up with him right before finding out i was pregnant. (I was on the depo shot so at the time i really didn’t think I’d end up pregnant). He instantly hated me for keeping our baby and refused to speak to me my entire pregnancy. He told me to find another father figure and leave him alone. I did it all alone and grew up so much during that time. I had 9 months alone so I spent those 9 months working on myself. I love who I am now, I know what I want in life and in a relationship. Well the day my son was born, his dad decided he wanted to be in his life. I wasn’t going to tell him no. I knew he was young and bipolar and scared to become a dad when he couldn’t even take care of himself. Doesn’t make it okay, but i tried to be understanding and start fresh for our son. We remained friends for the first 5 months of our sons life and for the last 5 months we’ve been in a relationship again. After all he put me through I’m still not sure why I gave him a second chance. I just wanted to be able to tell my son that I tried to be a family for him. I thought to myself “maybe now that he’s on medication for his bipolar, our relationships will be better than before”. But instead he makes me done with this relationship more everyday. I don’t know why I hold on, I just don’t get it! I know what I want I know the kind of man that I want to have a family with and he is not that man so why do i feel bad walking away? Why do i put up with his verbal abuse? Its like i feel a connection to him because of our son and I can’t ignore it. We have good days, we have moments where I feel like “maybe this will work after all” but then he attacks me verbally for no reason at all and then doesn’t understand why I’m upset. Like last night, our 10 month old son woke up at midnight. He tried rocking him to sleep for maybe 20 minutes and then I took him because he was just screaming mama. He calmed down and fell asleep in my arms but kept waking up if I moved or tried laying him down so I just sat on the couch with him because i was so tired i couldn’t keep my eyes Open. I spent the night in a hospital for my heart problem the night before and asked my sons dad to let me sleep in and he said no. So I’m exhausted i wanted to just lay down but i held him and bounced and rocked when he fussed. Well he woke up screaming his head off at 2 am. My sons dad wakes up and instantly starts yelling at me that “if you would’ve just f***ing stood up and rocked him instead of being a f***ing lazy pos he would’ve been asleep by now”. Then he proceeds to call me more names and grabs my son from my arms and yells at him to go to sleep. He’s 10 months old so you really think he understands? Now he just screams louder because now he’s getting screamed at. He won’t give him back to me and just keeps rocking him all while mumbling about how horrible I am for being tired. He gives up 2 minutes later and I take him. Let me add that he’s usually great with our son but at night he refuses to help and just ignores me when i ask for help if he’s been crying for ever and i can’t get him to sleep. Anyway, He starts name calling again so I told him “just shut up. I’m tired of you talking to me like a dog” and he goes “talk to me like that again and I’ll punch you in the f***ing throat”. This morning he sleeps in while I’m up at 7:30. He comes up to me in the kitchen and hugs me from behind and tries to kiss me. I told him to get off of me and he says “you really think I was going to punch you? I’d never touch you like that” I said it’s a lot more than that and he says “Sorry that you’re so weak minded. You just can’t handle being talked to with adult words”. Walks away yelling and then 5 minutes later comes up and tried kissing me again saying he’s sorry he was mean and said “bad words”. He said it so demeaningly like I was a child who was upset that their friend called them a butthead. This is not a first time thing. He yells a lot, usually over things that are not a big deal. One morning our son woke up st 7 30 am Like usual. I had a sinus infection for 3 days and was up all night with him. I asked my sons dad if he would get up and watch him for 20 minutes so I could let this Tylenol kick in. Instead I get screamed at and called an ignorant f***ing c**t because he’s mad he has to wake up early for the first time in months. I was shocked. I’ve never had anyone speak to me that way and he never spoke to me like that when we first dated. I always let him sleep in but I’m so over it. On his days off of work (he only works 3 days a week just long shifts) he will smoke weed and is too tired to function by late morning . He takes 2 long naps and still complains about being tired and he can’t wait for our son to just go to bed. He’s always never understanding my point of view, always name calling over the littlest things, telling me I’m retarded or stupid. It’s to the point where I know I don’t want to stay. I know I want a man in my life who will show my son that the way his father treats me is not how you treat women. So why why WHY can’t I leave? This morning when he called me weak minded, I realized he’s right. I’m not weak minded because I get upset when he calls me a c**t or bitch or yells at me. I’m weak minded because I continually put up with it. I forgive him and try again. On top of all of this I do not trust him. He’s constantly hiding his phone and accusing me of cheating. He’s constantly telling me how hot a random girl is or saying things like “if you did this or looked like this I would’ve married you by now”. He refuses to put me on any of his social media. He trips up when he’s introducing me to someone. He’ll say I’m his girlfriend “kind of”. He still has tinder and won’t delete it even though he says he doesn’t use it. All he does is ignore us and sit on his phone when he’s off of work. Only time he gives me attention is if we’re having sex or our sons in bed and we get a babysitter and go out. He won’t go out with just me though, he always has to go pick up a friend. He complains when I want to take our son anywhere. The park, the aquarium, the mall, ANYWHERE. I tell him I’ll go alone and he says no and comes with and complains the whole time. Last night we drove past one of those escape rooms and I said how much I want to try one some time and he just looked at me like I was stupid for saying that and says “yeah no”.

You guys, I know. I know I sound absolutely stupid for staying with him. So why do i?! It’s like I cling to him because I lost every single friend during my pregnancy. I have no one to talk to about things no one to do things with no one to even text. I can’t even talk to my dad anymore because he’s so disappointed in me for being with my sons dad. Part of the reason i stay is because I’m terrified of him getting any form of custody and i know he’s going to make my life a living hell when i start dating other guys. He is the type that would show up at my door while i have a guy over just to threaten him. I recently started talking to a man who has his shit together. He loves having conversations and we talk about going places or sitting in the back yard drinking tea and talking. He’s successful and works in the stock market where my baby daddy drives ambulances for $10/hr and skips EMT classes at least once a week (only 2 classes a week). Like I said, I know what I want in a relationship. I know the kind of man I want. I know that I’m happy with the person I am. Oh and did I mention he is on probation for selling drugs while I was pregnant? And even now on probation still sells weed. He also was sleeping with another girl and partying while I was pregnant and he had the audacity to tell me a few weeks ago that “it wasn’t even that bad for you. I don’t get why it upsets you so much that you did it alone. Not like you needed me there for anything. I had no obligation to you we weren’t married” REALLY?! I hate this “man”. I really do. He tells me he loves me and tells me he wants more kids with me but i don’t want that. He gets mad that i don’t say i love him back but i just don’t. I want the love that I see other people have but its like I’m too weak to leave. My dad is so disappointed in me. I grew up with the greatest father ever. He taught me to love adventure, travel, good food, spontaneity. He showed me and constantly reminded me how a man should treat me and here i am disappointing him. Disappointing myself. Idk you guys I just need advice, stories from people who left a relationship like this, etc. I know I’m insane for staying this long so please don’t make me feel worse for it. I know I will leave him, I know I can find better, i just need the courage to say Ive had enough. I need that extra push because I’m so close to the edge. I want to move home and start over but I’m so afraid he’s going to make my life a living hell.