Understand me.

I feel lost with myself. I don’t know who I am or how to act. My confidence is decreasing and I’m becoming a great actor of happiness. I have built up walls to secure myself from hurt but I have built up a personality that isn’t me. Now, I have nothing left but a numb feeling. I feel nothing. I’m only fifteen and to think the stuff I keep hidden, damages me deeply. I will never understand the complexity of my brain or heart and how I feel so deeply for people who do not care. I will never understand the sweaty palms, stutter of words and the loss of breath when I talk. My anxiety rises and I begin to lose it all. One year ago, I was fairly okay. Today, I’m not. On, Sunday night around 12:32 am I was going to tell my mum I was not okay. That my head hurts off headaches that keep me awake, thoughts I can’t control throughout the day. That when I look in the mirror I see nothing but I fake girl keeping up her role. That everyday is pain. However, I said I had tummy ache and failed my task. Funny, how I have become so useless to all. That I’m social awkward and trying so hard to succeed in happiness. The one thing I want so dearly is happiness. The one thing I want to feel is joy. You don’t understand how much I want that. To not be worried about how I act or how I should be, what personality should I become to blend into the crowds of people who are equally fucked up. I wouldn’t say I’m broken, just temporarily unusable. I mean I can get better. Right? But only I know the amount of times I have tried. The amount of effort I have put in. I’m slowly becoming dead inside, losing hope of trying and this pain is of words I can’t describe. Physical pain that hurts from heart to head. Mentally drained from horrid words. I am a girl who is just a teenager. This is not cause by school, the cliche of a boy who fucked me over, the loss of a friend, the girls who bullied me till death. No. This is caused by my head. My worries, my thoughts. All too much to handle for a girl who just wants to be okay.