Dear Pastor Husband

I know summer is busy. I know everyone expects you to be at every camp. At every meeting. At every bible school and every mission trip.

I know all the summer extras mean you don’t have as much time to prep your sermons. So you study at night at home.

And honey, you married the daughter of a preacher man so I know how the game works.

But honey, I’m lonely. I’m alone with the kids all the time doing all their summer stuff alone. The only adult time I get is at church where I have to be the perfect pastors wife.

And honey I’m tired too. Because your profession requires me to be involved too. And what other job requires the wife and kids to be part of the package?

I don’t resent this life. I love the Lord. I love our kids. I love teaching the kids.

But I’m a woman too. And sex once a month or nothing for months is too long. You said we want another baby. And being off birth control makes me feel so off kilter. But I’m scared to get pregnant bc I already never seem to have time with you. Part of me hopes we won’t get pregnant quickly so maybe you’ll up the intimacy. Because when we go so long...it feels like you don’t want me.

It hurts that I always have to ask for sex. Like it’s never on your mind. Or you flat out say no because you’re too tired being the pastor to everyone.

I realize I’m not the greatest mom or wife. I realize you’re job is 24/7 365. I know we’ve been through more than we should and you’ve got things to prove.

But honey, I’m lonely. I miss you. I wish I didn’t have to guilt you or beg or feel like it’s all coming from me.

I wish every plan, or date, or pushing for us time didn’t all have to come from me. Like I wish you’d do something that I didn’t have to plan or worry over money or the kids.

You’re the most incredible dad and preacher. But your kids need some of your time. Your wife needs some of you first. Not the leftovers after you’ve given everything to everyone.

I know you’re stressed. I know your busy. I know you’ve been called by God. But after being married this long...I wish you set aside a little time for me...for us...for the kids that was first priority. And I can’t ask you. Because I know it will hurt you to think I’m not getting what I need.

But I need you. You’re a good man. And I love you so much.

And while I know I shouldn’t have, I found a file on our computer about all the things you wanted to improve in your life this year. You wanted more time with our kids, you wanted to have a date night once a month, you wanted sex once a week...not once every few months. I know it wasn’t my file to read. You don’t know I saw it.

I wish you’d have tired to keep up those goals. Or even start them.

The woman who thinks you’re amazing really misses you. And sometimes like today when you won’t be home for dinner and you’re in a funk because this summer mission work has overtaken you and you’re not ready for Sunday church, I wish I could have some of your time when you have energy. I wish I knew this weekend wasn’t gonna be spent with you trying to play catch up.

I’m trying to keep on top of my health. Workout. Lose all this weight I’ve gained. Because I know I’m too fat. And sometimes I’m scared our lack of sex is because I’m so ugly. I’m trying to Prepare my body for a new baby if we ever get the time for sex. But today I couldn’t workout. All I can do is sit here. And cry. And write some stupid anonymous note on this app because I’m exhausted with wanting more of you.

Knowing I’m not gonna get it.

And wishing I could tell you...

I miss you.