Since probably my early childhood I’ve been dealing with anxiety. The depression didn’t really start until about 10 years old, or 5th grade. That’s also when the bullying and peer pressure started. People at school would make fun of my appearance. It really has affected my confidence and self image (I’m now 15.) even though it was 5 years ago I STILL struggle with my body image. No one really comments on my appearance anymore, other than positive things! 5th grade was also when everyone started dating boys... I felt pressured into dating, so in 6th grade got a boyfriend I didn’t really want. We dated until 7th grade, when I found a guy I actually wanted to be with. We dated for about 3-4 months and then I broke up with him for a different guy. That’s how it all started. Up until recently, I would bounce from guy to guy like it was nothing! Each time I got dumped or broken up with it hurt more than the last. Finally, in 7th grade, I attempted suicide for the first time. I self harmed in the months leading up to the attempt. I landed myself at a mental facility for about 1 week (not that long because I lied my way out.) back in 6th grade, I stayed at the same mental facility for a week for suicide ideation, rather than an actual attempt.

Then... about 2 months after my attempt, I got horrible news. My good friend Devin killed himself. I absolutely couldn’t believe it. I blamed myself for not checking up on him more often. The next couple months were extremely hard for me... then I realized that I couldn’t change it now and that I want to stop this from happening in the future. So I shared my story with people and spread positivity.

8th grade was all a blur, a year where nothing eventful happened. It was a good year nonetheless. A couple months into my freshmen year, however, my parents divorced and I tried drugs for the first time ever. (Just weed and some psychedelics, nothing too hardcore thank god) I also got into my first fight with some girl I hardly knew. Then, I started cleaning up my act a bit. I met a guy after taking a break from dating for awhile. He lived 2 hours away tho... But he was moving to my town in 4 months! We dated long distance until he moved here. This particular guy, however, was my ex who I had dated before... he leaked my nudes! I gave him another chance tho(which I soon regretted). This guy was also very into drugs, more than weed! When he moved back, he would try and pressure me into doing drugs with him. Each time I said no. Then he overdosed and for some reason he blames me for it! Like it’s my fault he swallowed too many pills! I felt extremely guilty and bad about myself... he was very emotionally abusive towards me.

Finally, I was pushed past my limit. One night, June 26th 2018 to be exact, I drank all the alcohol I could find and took all the pills I could find. Then I went to sleep. I woke up around 1 am that night with HORRIBLE stomach cramps. My mom heard me and got up and called the ambulance. I stayed 2 days in the ICU and 1 week at a mental facility. The EMT said I wouldn’t died in my sleep if my mom hadn’t called them. The experience was terrifying overall.

Here I am, a couple weeks later, still alive! I’m thankful that I’m still alive. ❤️ (also I cut off that guy!!!)

Suicide is not the answer, I promise you. People care so much more than you may think. Stay alive, please. Someone out there needs you. If not for a person, stay alive for your pet, or that feeling you get when you see your food coming in a restaurant, or times when you’ve giggled at something that’s not even that funny. It’s the little things that count sometimes. Remember that in times of darkness. ❤️