Stillbirth

On June 18 2018 I woke up like any other day. I was 38.5 weeks pregnant and I sat on the couch to eat breakfast, take a nap and watch tv shows like I had been doing the last few days. My induction date was scheduled for June 25th and baby due June 27th. First baby. We didn’t know the gender because we decided to be patient and wait. That day my life changed forever. I had noticed that week that my baby had slowed down in movement a lot. I related it to the fact that just recently I had a growth ultrasound and my baby was fat. I thought that there was no room to move. But little did I know my baby was dying.

Later that day after no movement at all I called the doctor and they had my come in for a NST test. With no luck at finding the heartbeat they brought in a Doppler. That didn’t read a heartbeat either. At this point I’m freaking out and I don’t know what to think. They have me go into a ultrasound room and the tech scans my belly. Looking up at my baby I don’t see the little heart moving and I am repeating to myself come on come on come on. But nothing. She stops scanning and the doctor in and room and her both look at my boyfriend and I am just say “I am sorry”

I ask to know the gender and they say a baby girl.

At that moment my boyfriend loses it. He breaks down and I don’t know what to do. I am in shock.

The doctor explains that we can take our time in the room and we have a week to decide on an induction day.

I am immediately saying I want this baby out as soon as possible. I didn’t even want to walk out of the room knowing I was carrying a dead baby. However the hospital was busy and we needed to get our things together. They had us come back at 7:30pm that evening for an induction. Thankfully I was already dilated to 5cm.

We called family and friends to share the horrible news.

My boyfriend and I went home and laid in the nursery. We knew we were not going to be taking home our little girl. The room would be vacant for a long time.

Once it got closer to 7 we had packed the car and caravanned with family to the hospital. I have to take a moment to stop and be thankful for the support I have. It’s all around me even though the days are tough right now.

At the hospital they began Pitocin and I was in and out of the shower trying to stay comfortable while the contractions increased. They broke my water and it was quite a lot. There was meconium in the water I remember it being mentioned. Then more warm shower moments until I just couldn’t bare it any longer and I asked for medication. They gave me what I later called “Fuck it” medication but it only lasted about 30 mins. To me it lasted 30 seconds. My strength was weakening and I needed sleep. So I turned to a epidural. Holding still I received the epidural and finally was able to sleep. The next morning around noon I was at 10cm and my doctor came into help me push out my baby girl. I pushed and pushed and my boyfriend was a pro helping me remember the little details. Relax your legs, telling me when I did a good push and counting to ten. It was an experience of a life time. I struggled with pushing and my doctor provided assistance with a vacuum. However, labor was empowering. And I would do it again. I even said that the moment I pushed out my baby girl. Ellie Mae Haas. Born June 19, 2018. 4:29pm. I will never forget that day. The moment she was born I felt so relieved and happy. But then dread came over me and I knew the outcome. My boyfriend weeped over my chest after seeing her lifeless body leave mine. I could never imagine how that must have felt. Once I was stitched up and cleaned and Ellie was bundled up I got to hold her. I cried. I was finally able to cry my baby. My baby was not suppose to die before being born. This was not suppose to happen to me. I look back and want to rewind the clock. To take kick counts more seriously and to be a better mother. But there is nothing I can do now. The first month included many thoughts and prayers. A memorial and card and flowers of all sorts. I was so lucky that my boyfriend had a month of paid maternity leave. We had a wonderful month keeping each other’s spirits up. We got a kitten and new tattoos. But now it’s three days into to him being back to work and I feel so empty. I am depressed and I don’t know how to cope. How to learn to live with this pain. I have to find a job now and to keep up with my daily life. But I don’t want to. I just want to lay on the couch and drink wine and watch shows. Take naps and read books. I am trapped in a loop. I want to try again in October. My boyfriend won’t try for another baby until I can heal my mind and body. All I want is to have sex again and feel the intimacy once more. That has to wait until the beginning of August. I feel so distant from my boyfriend and everyone else in my life. I yearn for the day that I have healed from the grief and I can be myself again. It’s not fair that my daughter was taken so soon. But it’s also too much to think of waiting over a year to try for another baby.