I recently moved out after breaking up with my partner of 6 years.

We found out a year into our relationship that James could not have kids due to chromosomal xxy syndrome. the emotional disconnect soon became a critical factor in the toxicity in the relationship.This affected us greatly and I found that when we found out I started to lose interest slightly as the thrill of sex had dwindled. I felt disconnected from James as he was also going through his own process of understanding of what xxy meant for him and we both seemed to be getting distant. We were living together by this stage and I thought I loved him. It absolutely crushed me that he could not have kids and he seemed not to get why I felt that way as he seemed to intuitively know that he couldn't anyway.

He stopped being interested in my day and what I was getting up to in my own time and I ended up regrettably seeing someone on and off for three years and I broke it off with the person I cheated with as it is obviously wrong to do and I realised that I wanted to stay with James and work through it.

James seemed to had also lost his libido and it was like living with a 60 year old. he had stress and anger problems and would blow up at the smallest things to a point the police were called out to check on us once . after some suggestion from me about testosterone therapy which could help him with not only libido but also thinking and energy levels he started on the program and stopped smoking his usual lot of cannabis to get a good idea of how the testosterone would affect him.

By this time with arguments and his aggression had just been really waring on me so I started antidepressants which helped me not be so emotinally affected but affected my libido. James started complaining that he wasn't getting sex, was using porn and said he was masturbating every day and at this point I was pretty depressed and was not connecting with his needs at all as I felt no romance or effort for James to connect with me emotionally or as a person. we still were having sex at least once a week by this point.

James started to smoke pot every night December last year to probably still doing it now. long story short he was just being so distant and no matter what I said or did wouldn't speak to me about what was going on. I got quite mistrustful and checked his Facebook and found out he had been hitting on a married woman at his work. When I approached him he said he would end it. I checked his phone later and he continued to hit on this woman. I approached him again about it and then tells me he doesn't love me and wants to break up. not only that but he callously says he had been paying for sex and that's where thousands of dollars had been going to for the past 6 months. he gave me the tip that if I want to keep a man don't stop giving them head jobs and don't go for men in hospitality if you want to steal clear of the drugs.

I feel like I stayed for way too long and wished I had the balls to had left when I cheated. now im sitting here no child no partner and living with my mum at 35. I feel like it is such a waste about how long I spent feeling emotionally dissatisfied and how I blame myself for not giving him enough head jobs!? feeling emotoonally steam rolled and low on self esteem.

now I'm 35 this year no partner no child and living at home with my mum. life has definitely not gone the way I thought it would and I can't help being anxious about my partner choices in the future as I'm at the critical child bearing age.