I've never been more afraid of myself than when i sense that my source of happiness is about to leave me. I didn't know i had this problem until i was much older. Typically the standard thing shown when one has gone through some kind of hurt, is that people "eat their feelings" grab the ice cream the cookies, anything and everything. ut as a kid i had no idea what that felt like, because i did the opposite.

i was a sad kid, i was pretty lonely. I had friends, but none that i really loved. i had my family, but they never listened. I was alone alone a lot. I cried alot when i was alone, my parents would come in,

"what's wrong mija, your eyes are red were you crying."

"no, it's just my allergies coming back."

"ok just take your sprays then."

they still believe this lie, even today. I would go out to dinner later and be the last one to leave, because that was the only way my mom wouldn't see me toss my plate. I didn't know what it was, but i didn't want to eat. something wouldn't let me. i would get headaches, and feel cold but that was just normal for me. i drank water.....just water. then the sadness would leave, and i could eat again. when i got older, and got sad again, that desire not to eat developed a voice. "Nah. you're fine just have water." and i believed it. after a day my stomach, and head were screaming, but it was too late and my mom didn't want me eating too late.

"you gain more weight when you eat at night Ale"

so i didn't, and cried myself to sleep, praying my sister wouldn't hear me 2 feet away. It was on and off, then in highschool the saddest came again, but this time he started leaveing marks on me. on my neck, on my back, on my sides and arms. ones that i couldn't hide. i went to the doctor, and their cure worked, at least i thought it did. it was merely a distraction though from my sadness so i was eating again.

He came back again 3 weeks ago, it only makes sense now. I'm depressed and now he plays games not only with my head, but the rest of me too. he'll starve me for a day, then let me feel hungry for a meal, but only when it's in front of people he knows i love, and would worry about me. he'll let me get comfortable only to pull my hunger away a twist my stomach, "you ate too much. try again tomorrow." then my headache would come back wrapping it like a vice, my stomach is hurting and it wants to get rid of what i put in it. I don't let it, but it only makes it worse.

"Only water, too much water, you can have that another day. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO EAT."

If I eat, it hurts.

If I don't eat, it hurts.

I can't win, he won't let me.

He won't let me speak, he won't let me ask for help.

"you're an annoyance, no one wants to see the clown be sad, smile so they don't ask what's wrong, drink some water."

My happiness is back now, but thats only because i managed to finally speak up, but he's still here. He's letting me eat now, but I'm still trapped.

"He only came back because he pitied you."

and i......believe him

"drink some water"

I don't know how to get rid of him.....someone please help me, he's quiet now, but I don't want him to come back, I can't take much more of this.