I think I might be depressed.

Not the suicidal or self harm type of depressed. I did used to self harm for many years but now it’s just a depressed depression.

I feel so useless and hopeless all the time. I feel no motivation to do the things I used to enjoy so much. Getting out of bed is a struggle, deciding what to have for breakfast takes effort and choosing dinner is almost impossible. I started an online course a few months ago and am on my last assignment and just can’t find the pleasure in doing it that I used to have so dearly. I used to love reading, like proper adore it. Now it’s a struggle to find the energy to even pick up a book. When that miraculously happens I end up reading the same sentence over and over again because my brain just won’t comprehend what it’s reading.

I constantly cry over nothing. I cry when my boyfriend goes to work in the morning because the thought of being alone makes me sad. I don’t just shed a tear. I sob, I weep, I bawl my eyes out until I tire myself out and fall back to sleep.

I’ll be 36 weeks pregnant on Tuesday and so can’t really do much in general as it’s too difficult. That just adds to the uselessness I feel. I feel like a nuisance to my boyfriend and that’s hard to accept.

I have no interest in sex due to my pregnancy. I don’t feel like myself and can’t bring myself to even pretend to want to do it. It’s been 3 months since we’ve had sex because of me. He doesn’t understand, he doesn’t see it the way I do and that hurts.

I feel like I’m letting him down.

I try talking to him about my feelings but it’s just a waste of time as he takes it so personally and it isn’t him.

I tried to tell him that I think I’m depressed and he just shut me down. He told me I wasn’t and asked me why I would be as if it’s something controllable.

It makes me feel unheard and like I’m overreacting.

I know I should seek help if I feel this way but I’ve never been good at announcing my problems and wouldn’t know how to go about doing so. I find it hard enough talking to my boyfriend about it, let alone a medical practitioner. I fear what I’m going to be like when my baby comes. I know I’m going to be a good mum. I know I’m going to do everything I possibly can to give him the best life and nothing will stand in my way of doing so. I just wish I could stop feeling the way I feel now. I wish I felt heard. I wish I felt understood. I wish I could feel like me again.