Not sure of my sexuality

Sooo I’m 22. I have identified as straight my whole life. I come from a very extremist Christian family. I always was a little bit crazy growing up and then I had one serious relationship with a boy for 3 years. But after that I was raped and had a hard time connecting with guys and having feelings for them. Like I have attraction, I get wet when I’m with them. The first time a girl kissed me was this girl I worked with when I was 18 and she did it as a joke. I feel like if I was straight I would’ve never wanted to do it again but I wanted to keep kissing her. The next time I kissed a girl it was because she was my friend and she knows that when I get drunk I love to kiss and she didn’t want me going anywhere near some boy that was with us that screwed me over. I never kissed a girl again until a while later. It was my friend that was straight but had made out and fingered a girl before. We hooked up reallyyy passionately. She didn’t go down on me but I went down on her and it was my first time. I enjoyed it but eventually moved on, kept it a secret and never really thought about it. Then I made friends with this girl that was bi and we were chilling like always, having wine night. We got ridiculously drunk and we did everything using a vibrator and all. I always just thought I was a thing I would do when I was drunk and that it.

I recently started dating my boyfriend. I think I might love him??? and I love our sex life but I find myself watching movies about lesbians late at night and I get myself off to the sex scenes. I feel like I really want to be with a girl a lot. But I really feel like sex wouldn’t be the same without a penis. I don’t know if I should tell him that I think about girls this much. I’ve also never had romantic feelings for a girl. I think only once in like 2nd grade. Ohhh yeah and also when I was like 8 my friend and I would always make out so we could know what adult felt and I remember always wanting to do it way more than she did.

I realize this is a lot and I’m sorry but I’m so lost and I’m not out to anyone. I’m just not sure if I’m lesbian but riddled by fear of my religious family and never had an opportunity to really like a girl, if I’m straight and just physically attracted to women, if I’m bi???? I’m so lost and honestly I’m scared to not be straight because I can’t ever imagine coming out to anyone ESPECIALLY my family. If someone could help me I hold really appreciate it