I gave birth one week ago, and my anxiety has gradually been getting worse. It started out as a few bad moments, to full blown panic attacks where I'm sobbing hysterically, to now where it's almost a constant state of anxiety when I'm awake. I was on an anti-depressant, a mood stabilizer, and anxiety medication before getting pregnant, but stopped them all due to the risk of birth defects. I've decided not to breastfeed because I desperately need to get back on my medicine, but it'll be a little while before I can get an appointment to get a prescription. I don't really know what to do anymore. During my attacks it feels like I'm suffocating and drowning in how I feel. I worry over everything. My thoughts are flooded with "what if"s, and it's like I'm terrified to be happy because I'm scared something bad is going to happen to ruin it and take it away from me. When I'm able to kind of snap out of it (which is becoming rarer as the days go on), I can realize how irrational some of my fears are, but it doesn't matter because once my anxiety starts peaking again, I get lost in my thoughts and how I feel and it seriously feels like things will never stop and never be okay. It's getting to where I'm feeling horribly guilty as well for how much my family is having to put up with, and for how unstable I am, and I find myself starting to think that they'd be so much better off without me around. It scares me. I don't know how to de-escalate things when they get that bad, and I'm unable to push away my thoughts and be rational as they're happening.