*small rant*

I didn't tell many people when I went into labor at 29 weeks. But those who do know are constantly asking "How are you and the baby??"

What I think: I want to scream. I want to cry. I had to leave my baby at the hospital. She's 10 days old and I've held her twice. She's covered in tubes and lines and IV's. I've had 6 other people ask me today how are we. I'm tired of explaining. I'm sick of reliving my baby being in the hospital. My little girl. And I'm just supposed to f*cking carry on with my life, knowing she's in a f*cking box alone? I want to touch her. I want to hold her, I want to bring her home and be able to breastfeed and put her in her crib that her daddy is building, I want to hear her cry and coo, I want to spend all day with her. She's still supposed to be in my belly. I'm still supposed to be pregnant. What the fuck is wrong with me that I couldn't carry her to full term? How can my body fail us? Am I broken? How could i have already failed her as her mommy- her protector? She has her ups and downs, but she's so tiny, it hurts to see her with the CPAP. She could be doing worse, she's doing well- considering she's 11 weeks early. Shes not like a normal baby- shes not coming home anytime soon. Shes going to be in neonatal intensive care for atleast the next 2.5-3 months. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. It goes so much deeper than "how are we doing?" It's such a loaded question, and I'm so sick of people asking! Please, just let us be. Let us heal. Don't make me have to figure out what to say. It's not an easy question.

What I say: "We're fine. Thanks for asking."