Dysphoria? Or just dysmorphia?

So, I really do not like my boobs. Like, really. I was an early bloomer since I was a kid and that basically meant I had boobs before any other girl did in 4th grade. I moved on from training bras REAL QUICKLY.

I always remember not liking them, and when I was in middle school one day, I was wearing a v-neck and complaining about how much I hated wearing them ‘cause you could see my boobs. My friend said, “you say that now but you’ll like those eventually.”

It’s eventually. I really don’t.

My left boob is significantly larger than right one, and it’s really annoying. (Literally, my left boob spills out of my bra while my right one gaps.) During my checkup last year, I brought it up, cause it’s weird, and was told there really isn’t anything I can do besides breast reduction surfer when I’m at least 18.

I was flabbergasted. I had never even considered surgery, and in fact, forgot that some people reduce them at all, in a society where big chests are preferred.

Suddenly, I became obsessed. The idea of surgery would not leave my mind and I started doing a crap ton of research on how the surgery works and how much it is. Then, in the meantime of any surgeries far, far away, I decided that I was done with my bras. What did they even do, they made my chest look bigger, which I do not want, and they don’t even really support my chest either. From then on out, I decided to just wear sports bras, and I still do.

But sports bras weren’t enough, because my chest is still there, still a stupid DDD, and so I started researching chest binders, firstly if I even could wear one if I wasn’t trans* ftm. That lead me towards the genderqueer part of the community.

I knew what genderqueer or non-binary or agender and all of the other identities under the big umbrella, in fact the person I looked up to the most freshman year was this non-binary senior who was in literally every club I joined. We became friends and I was in awe of how much they were just... themself. But then they graduated, and I entered sophomore year with only the memory of them and their awesome self-ness. Going back to the binder search, I never really knew that some genderqueer+ people had chest dysphoria, I only thought trans* men could.

And here’s the thing: I know I’m not trans*, or at the very least, I’m not a man, and I’ve never really felt a complete disconnect from being a woman, but I’ve never really felt like I am the pinnacle of Womanhood either. The only times I’ve ever felt any particular pleasure or pride in being a woman (or at least an almost woman) outside of a political context. Politically, I am proud of my Woman-ness, feministly (to clarify, I may be a feminist, but I’m not one who thinks men are The Devil Incarnate, nor do I think that to raise women we need to demote men) I will scream that I Am A Woman, but outside that..... I kinda feel whatever about it.

And I don’t know if that’s how you’re supposed to feel about your gender. Within the past year, I’ve started wondering if I’m genderqueer and if the disconnect I have with my chest is dysphoria, but at the same time, I wonder if it’s just a result of my discontent with my body. I’m overweight and I’m trying to get healthy, so maybe my anger at my boobs, a representation of how big I’ve gotten and a disconnect from what I want to be, is purely image related and gender unrelated. In addition, recently I started thinking about getting full top surgery instead of breast reduction, but I don’t know if that’s really Me talking, so I want to see if anything changes after get healthy and potentially lose weight.

If anyone has any advice for me, I’d really appreciate it. I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about this cause they only person I’m out to as queer is my cousin, and though she gets the girl thing, she doesn’t get the potential-gender-boob-hatred/annoyance thing.