What the shit fuck.

Y’all I’m gonna be honest here in my post, and if my language offends anyone, I apologize, (and you don’t have to read) but SHIT. I got to the point last cycle that I just didn’t even care anymore. I was like “fuck it, if it happens it happens and I’m not going to kill my self over it anymore”. So last cycle I was a couple days (like 2) late and of course lucked out with a bfn. I’m due for my cycle as of yesterday making me one day late today and I’m starting to revert to old habits, constantly checking everything to see if this month is it. But I get so mad at myself for caring so fucking much because I am afraid that if I care too much again it’s not gonna happen. I’m at the “fuck this” point, but also not. Anyone else feel like this? Like absolute shit because nothing is working?!?!?????