Mental Health and Me

I’m not the type of person to really express how I feel...until the water boils over and I’m a screaming tea kettle. It’s not a pride thing, it’s a “I don’t even know why I feel the way I feel” and “I can’t even put into words how I feel” type of thing.

So last night was one of those nights where I was really just trapped in my own head, and it just so happened to be the one night I get to spend with my partner (we both have crazy schedules).

I was okay...until I wasn’t okay.

I kept making excuses for why my mood suddenly dropped.

“I don’t feel well” and “My stomach hurts” were things I told him. Because it was easier to lie than to tell the truth and feel silly.

But he saw through my lies. He kept asking what was wrong and told me to just talk to him. How do you tell someone you’re anxious, depressed, and scared when there’s no logical reason to be? How do you express yourself when sometimes you can’t even put into words how you really feel or what you’re even thinking? Why do I feel this way, I’m being dramatic right? Am I crazy? Will he think I’m crazy?

It took a while but I finally broke.

It felt nice letting myself be vulnerable. It felt even better to be held as I cried.

I’m such a “I hold my feelings in around others but the minute I’m alone I sob myself sick” type of person. Even after 3 years of being together, I don’t like burdening him with my bad mental health days. But it felt good letting that go.

So really, this post is just me bragging about how supportive my boyfriend is (even when I unknowingly push him away), and how thankful I am to have someone who’s there for me no matter what.