It’s been over 7 months and...

This is going to be long. I’m still a mess. 7 months ago my mother in law passed away. For about 8 months prior to her passing, she had been declining health wise. She had so much going against her. In 2011 she was diagnosed with uterine and ovarian cancer. In 2012 she had a massive heart attack. She was diabetic and her diabetes was never well controlled. She had chronic kidney disease as well. Despite all of that, she had a love for life that I’ve never seen in anyone else. She was passionate about her religion and my goodness she loved everyone with her entire heart. I mean, you could just feel her love...you could almost physically touch it. She and I got very close despite differing beliefs. She was always gently guiding me toward the Lord and I was always kind of pushing back but regardless, we got along amazingly. I could talk to her about anything. I called her every single day and she’d come over nearly every day. She ADORED our kids. Even when she was slowly wasting away, she pushed herself to spend time with my babies. I remember the last time she came over...she could barely sit up but she still wanted to see us. She sat with us and was much quieter than usual and she just took in every little thing the kids did and smiled. I had no idea that less than 2 months later she’d be leaving us. I knew she wasn’t doing well but I just thought she’d hit a rough patch. Things got so much worse though and eventually a routine doctor’s appointment led to a long hospital stay and then what was supposed to be a short round of therapy in a nursing home. We visited as much as we could but looking back, it wasn’t nearly enough. I want to go back in time and spend more time with her there. I literally ache for just another hour of time with her...I want my kids to have their grandma back. I remember being really confused when my sister in law called and said she’d been admitted to the hospital again...she had been making a lot of improvements. They put her on the cardiac floor but said the issue was actually with her kidneys. Again, I was so confused. A few days later they told us she was doing great...no recent signs of stroke or heart attack and her kidneys were doing a bit better. She was set to go back to the nursing home for another week or two the next morning. At around midnight my sister in law called me and I could barely understand her...my mother in law had coded and they took her to the ICU. By the time my husband and I got there, she was awake and they were going to take out the breathing tube...so, it was terrifying but she was okay. She went back to the step down unit two days later. About 4 days went by and they were talking about her going back to the nursing home the next day and something in my gut was telling me that something wasn’t right. Sure enough...again, just after midnight she codes. This time it took 5 min to resuscitate her and she slipped into a coma. No one could explain what was happening. Two days went by and the doc was pushing us to “make a decision,” and I walked over and started talking to her. She loved Elvis and it was his birthday. I squeezed her hand and teased her about it being his birthday and she squeezed my hand, too! The nurse said it was simply a reflex...I didn’t buy it. I kept talking to her and getting little squeezes out of her for about 3 hours. We left and on the way home, they called and said she woke up! It was a miracle. She had just had an EEG that had shown little brain activity. We were floored. She went on for another week and you guessed it, she was set to go back to the nursing home the next day and she had a massive heart attack and coded....they tried this time for 8 min to resuscitate. They got her back and put her on life support. No signs of brain activity at this point. We gave it a few hours and told the doctor we knew that she wouldn’t want to keep doing this. It looked so grim. Would she even wake up this time? Would she be even a semblance of her former self? Would this just keep happening? My husband, his sister, his aunt, his grandma and I discussed it and decided she needed to be taken off life support. I know I didn’t have any legal standing but I helped make that decision. They took her off life support at 3:45 pm...at 5:43 pm while I as sitting in the room with her completely alone, I said out loud “hey, your babies left the room...I know you wouldn’t want them to see this. It’s okay...it’s just me now. I can’t imagine a life without you in it and I don’t want to see you go but if you’re ready, I’m ready” and I kid you not, less than a minute later her vitals started dropping and her breathing changed and if you’ve ever witnessed death...you know what followed. This was my first time ever seeing someone take their last breath. It has changed my view of the world and it has honestly shaken me to the core. I miss her and I just want her back. I don’t know why I’m posting this...I guess I just don’t want to bog anyone down with it in real life. People expect me to “just get over it,” because it’s been 7 months and she was “just my mother in law,” but I hurt over this every single day. My husband has done great...he has a rough two months and doesn’t miss a beat now. He had a moment on Mother’s Day but he doesn’t want to talk about it and I don’t want to force him to...so, I feel like I have to muffle these feelings and sometimes I feel like I’m falling apart. I have nightmares, too. I don’t know what to do to make this not so hard. Every single time my kids do something n, my first thought is how much she would’ve loved to see it. My two younger kids barely remember her. It hurts because I want to keep her memory alive. I feel so alone. Any advice would be great...I’m sorry this was so long and I’m sorry if I sound like an idiot...but please don’t tell me to get over it because trust me, I would if I could.