I can’t lose another

I’m pregnant for the second time, 10 weeks along and was told that there’s already swelling around my baby. My last was lost at 24 weeks due to fetal hydrops and nothing caused it. We had all the tests done and nothing. But it’s happening again. And now they think something is wrong with me or my husband that is causing this. And I’m so scared.

After almost dying last time giving birth to my son, I promised my husband that if something bad would happen we would terminate to make sure we don’t compromise my life for a child who won’t live anyways. And I hate myself for this. I can’t convince him otherwise. But I know where he’s coming from. He lost his mother earlier this year and I’m all he has left. If I die trying to bring a child into the world that would live, he would have someone. But if I die pushing a child that’s already passed again it will kill him.

So now I’m 10 weeks along, things aren’t looking good again which is really saying something for how early it is, and I’m going to lose another child. And I’ll never convince him to try again. And idk if I would want to try again if something about us is causing this. I’m almost 24 years old and I can’t believe this is my life. I can’t believe that if things don’t work out this time, I will never have the family I dreamed of. I love my husband and I understand his fears and I share those fears. But this isn’t supposed to be my life. All I’ve ever wanted was to be a mother and I’ll never get to be a one to a living child.