I had a child last year. Before she was even a month old, i developed post partum psychosis. I tried so suffocate her. She ended up in the hospital. I never told anyone, for fear of them putting me in jail. Seeing her in the hospital and realizing that I'd caused it made a clarity break happen. I realized i wanted her healthy. I realized she deserved the world. I realized everything about her was perfect. But i also realized I was terrible. I was suicidal for months. I still can't face myself in the mirror. I think about it all the time. Every time i see her face, I thank god she made it.... Every time i see her grow, i pray that she knows i love her. I pray she doesn't remember. Nobody knows. I'm entirely alone in dealing with this. I'm medicated now. I went to the psych ward shortly after and got myself sorted out. But I'm pregnant again. And I'm terrified. I dont deserve motherhood. I love my babies endlessly. That mental break makes me feel like the worst mother though. I know a lot of judgement will come from this. And that's alright. I've been judging myself every day since the incident. I just needed to let this ou5.