One year mark has come and gone...

I know a lot of people are in this boat with me, but I've never felt more alone.

We have officially reached the one year mark of trying and I'm devastated. This is the point where they say something might be wrong and all of these thoughts are eating me alive. I don't have thousands of dollars laying around for fertility treatments. My doctor has always said that I'm a perfect candidate when my husband and I were ready, but yet I'm not. My bloodwork has all been fine which gives me NO ANSWERS.

What if I can't have kids?

My life isn't supposed to be like this.... This isn't a part of the plan...

I appreciate any positive comments, but please don't tell me God has a better plan. God took the only baby I've ever had (miscarriage a year ago) and I don't know how to forgive him for that. And I'm well aware of stress not being good, but I can't control these thoughts. I take care of myself. I give myself mental breaks. I meditate. From the outside, I have the perfect life.

I know I'm being a major Debbie Downer, but this is the only avenue I have to express my real, true, raw emotions. I pretend to be so upbeat in person. I don't show how I tear up when I see my coworkers baby who she "accidentally" got pregnant with. I don't admit to not being able to walk by the baby clothes section. I don't tell anyone that I cry in the bath tub when I think about how I should have a 3 month old baby right now. No one knows that I can't even bear to walk in the empty room that is (was???) going to be a nursery.

I never imagined this would be this difficult and heartbreaking. I work in a school setting and I see some of these people who have children and IT'S. NOT. FAIR. They treat their children like absolute crap and I would literally die to have a baby to love and hold and take care of. Why do they get one and I don't?

I've tracked my ovulation. I've charted my temps. I've spoken with my doctor. We've tried preseed. We've tried 'not trying.' We've done the bloodwork and the sperm analysis.

This shit is for the birds. I'm done. 💔