Already Here

Some women talk about their pregnancies like they were the most magical experience ever. I’ve heard stories of spiritual awakenings, blissful cravings without gaining a pound, but my favorite is “I never even got sick once!”

My pregnancy was not like that. I’ll never complain and I’d live every day of my life in that place for my son but it was not exceptionally fun for me. I was sick 80% of the time. Medicated for said sickness. But worse than that was the crippling anxiety. I’d had a miscarriage before my son, and I feared every day for 9 months that I would lose him. I named him. I pictured his face. I couldn’t lose him. If I didn’t feel him kick I would start sweating, ferociously tapping on my belly, desperate to feel something; anything. My whole life was in me for 9 months and I felt his mortality every minute of every day. I bargained with every diety I could think of. I didn’t jiggle when I walked, I laid on my side and switched constantly, I bought a stethoscope to listen to him move.

In all honesty I lost my mind. My heart was running the show for those 9 months and my brain, my rational brain took a backseat and watched on chuckling at the madhouse my life had become.

Here I sit with my 8 month old and my control over his safety still haunts me; haunts US. I didn’t let people hold him for months, terrified they would hurt him. He was too delicate and we’d worked too hard to get him here. I couldn’t gamble his safety based on the competence of strangers.

But everyone is asking now, “when are you going to try for #2?!”

And I honest to God don’t think I have it in me to go through that again. Even if I could.

I think all of my love belongs in the heart of this little boy beside me. I prayed for him. I cried for him. I begged God for him. I fell in love when I saw him. And I swear to God I didn’t breathe a full breath until I heard that first cry.

My heart is entirely spoken for.

There is no #2.

Everything I ever dreamed of is already here ❤️