LONG BUT I APPRECIATE YOU

I’ve been with my husband for 3 years. We’re going on 2 years of marriage in November. We welcomed our daughter in April of this year. What a beautiful blessing.

But since day one my husband has been nothing but unfaithful. He’s slept with and spoken to multiple women within these 3 years. I’ve caught him every time. We’ve fought left and right. He’d put blame on me then apologize and tell me he loves me and it’ll never happen again. As I’m sure you have already realized, there is absolutely NO trust with him. I’ve been 100% faithful so I’m not the cause for this heartbreaking behavior.

Backstory on me: I grew up in a family where my dad was emotionally and physically abusive. I grew up extremely overweight for my age and he degraded me. My own father told me many many times that no man will ever love me unless I stopped eating; he was extremely obese himself. That I don’t deserve anyone; but in his words. I was sexually assaulted at school very young and I could go on. Basically I grew up with the mindset of how I don’t deserve love or anyone for that matter. At 18 I settled and was raped by a guy who said the “right words”. He degraded me too. Pinched my belly fat, out me down and forced sex. I got away from that when I moved with my family to another state.

Now:

I met my husband two months after moving to Florida. He was so sweet. Again, said the right things. But did me wrong. Never once degraded me. But has never given me mutual respect or appreciation. Brings me down more than he lifts me up. I’m losing the strength and will to fight for our marriage. To fight with him to HELP me. To APPRECIATE me. To show that he truly does LOVE me. I know I need to leave him. My family has made this very clear. I know it’s what I truly need. And I know it’d be better for my young daughter rather than live together and keep fighting. But for some reason the thought of actually leaving makes me want to cry. Makes me hurt. Because I love the son of a bitch but I shouldn’t. And I don’t know what to do to fight through the hurt and heartache.

But guess what...and here is where I feel so shameful and that I’m being wrong and I shouldn’t do this. Basically I feel like I’m doing wrong and don’t deserve this.

An old friend from a few years ago reach back out. I met him 3 years ago. He was so sweet and still is. He wants back into my life to get reacquainted. He has already expressed how I don’t deserve this man in my life. That I deserve love. And my daughter deserves a happy home. We are planning to get together and talk and hang out. Nothing sexual; just wanted to note that. But I feel like I’m not allowed to do this. That I’m doing wrong. He has told me that he’s here for me. That if we connect he’d really like for me to consider the possibilities. And to be honest...he gives me butterflies. I never get butterflies with my husband anymore 😔

Am I wrong for talking to my old friend? Am I wrong for daydreaming about what life could be like with him down the road?

What do I do about how I feel towards my leaving my husband?

I’m so broken and confused. Scared and sad.