Idk what to do, please help, I'm desperate!
I'm at a loss. My bf and I will be together for 3 years come December 1. We just bought a house together this past April. He had told me before we got together that he suffered from depression and anxiety since he was a child.
We are polar opposites. I'm a very social person, he literally hates ppl (no exaggeration). He is an only child, I have a big family, multiple siblings. There are many more differences but I think these are the root of our issues.
I think with myself and others we take that and we think okay when the time comes I can handle it. But we have no clue what we are getting into. When it comes to a person with severe mental health issues.
So, he told me before we bought the house that he was struggling. I however didn't recognize that he meant he was drifting into depression. FF his depression worsened with the purchase of the home, because of ALL of the responsibility. Also more pressure from work. And more pressure from me to be my equal and help out more.
Well apparently, I bitched way too much about way too many things and he snapped. He told me he hated me, he wished he never bought this house with me, gtfo his house, he is not marrying me, and that's why he never put a baby in me". He put all the money down on the house, 20% to be exact.
I moved on the other end of the house and collected my thoughts. Those words cut soooooooooo deep, I literally still cry about it. He apologized, and we tried to move on.
I did not recognize his depression when he needed me too but sort of after he snapped I did. However, it wasn't until he broke down and started crying about his dad and how he doesn't know what will be left for him after his dad dies. Dad not dying anytime soon hopefully. That's not the first time he said something like that.
We recently got into it again, and this time he just said he is tired of this. If we really think about it "I dont like him, I want a different life and the fundamental things about him I do not want in a person and vice versa.
He told me I should really consider this. So I did, and he is correct that the fundamental differences about us, I dont like and dont think I can deal with. He does not trust me, he does not think I should have to go anywhere with my friends that requires me to stay overnight. So no girls weekend trip or bachelorette party or even family functions. I completely disagree. Also, I had already been thinking do I really want to have kids with him bc I will be a single parent but in a relationship bc again his depression is debilitating. But I don't want to continue on only for the day to possibly come that he can't handle it and wants to check out.
For me, I wanted nothing more than to host Christmas in our home this year bc its a huge deal in my family. He has known this for forever. Bc of financial reasons and his current mental state we cant host. This broke me as much as I get it he really can't be around ppl while he is struggling.
He is the first person in my life that ive had to deal with and understand and support with that kind of mental health. We are getting him help. He has counselors and a psychiatrist. He was said to be bipolar also. I have been all in once it clicked for me. Trying to set what I want and my own mental state aside.
However doing this has made me slightly depressed, completely stressed, having panic attacks and throwing up.
While it sucks, I think we may have to split. We want the same big picture things, family and kids. But how we want to go about them is different. He invisions a 'us against the world' family unit. While I invision an arms wide open, family oriented, family unit.
He came to me today and told me he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. However, I'm really struggling in what to do. I have my own counselor, that I've recently signed up for. He said we can go to couples counseling. But we both talked previously and decided it was pointless bc counseling wasn't going to change the fundamentals.
We love each other very much but I dont want to send him spiraling into depression bc of who I am (a people person). What do we do? How do we make this work?
Thanks for reading! Any advice at this point would be great I'm desperate.