I hate myself.

I've always been a larger girl. I've always had issues with my weight and a bad relationship with food. I'm a very picky eater, I don't like vegetables and I only like certain fruits. My diet consists of a lot of pizza, chicken, chips, meat. I'm only 20 years old.

I've tried so many times unsuccessfully to lose weight. I also have hypothyroidism. I'm supposed to be on medication but having no insurance, I'm not on it. I look in the mirror at my body and it makes me sad. It makes me sad that I let myself get to this weight. I put on 25 lbs in 6 months. I know how much I weigh but others don't, so they're always like "you're just big boned". Knowing I weigh as much as I do kills my self esteem. I feel disgusting. I can't wear jeans without my stomach getting smashed upwards, I can't wear cute tops without them clinging to my fat. I cry myself to sleep at night because I wish I was beautiful and skinny and happy with myself. I want to love myself but it is so damn hard. I didn't know where else to let this out so I put it here in hopes of not being judged.