Confused and hurting

Today I got the text message.

“Your Dad is in the hospital with Congestive Heart Failure.”

I had spent years preparing myself for this as I knew one day it would more than likely happen.

You see my father has been a drug addict for as long as I can remember, in my 18 (almost 19 years next month) years of life I can’t remember a time where he was “truly” sober, apparently there was a time when I was a baby but I don’t remember it.

Up until I was around 10 my father was still the most amazing man in my eyes, I was such a daddy’s girl, he could do no wrong.

Once I hit 12-13 I understood what he was doing to himself, and wasn’t such a “daddy’s girl” anymore. Especially once he got remarried and had a stepchild plus two kids with her, he had already only seen me once every few months and I really felt like I was put on the back burner once I watched him with those kids. I quit talking to him as much, I avoided his phone calls, would rarely spend time with him and once I hit 15 and had my own child (his first grandson) he got to meet him when he was born, has even been around him a few times. I eventually quit talking to/seeing him altogether as I didn’t want an in and out parent anymore and I didn’t want my own baby around it.

I had spent so many times preparing for this time. As bad as it sounds I didn’t even think I would be upset or even care. But I have cried twice, what’s worse is Im bad at letting my emotions out and even if I wanted to I have nobody to talk to about it. My heart hurts, I’m confused because I really didn’t expect for this to affect me so much but I’m torn up.

His kidneys are also failing and as of right now things are looking bad for him. I feel guilty for not trying harder to save him, so many times i told him he needed to get help before something like this happened, so many times he attempted to and then went back to drugs. I’m hurting. It’s hard to breathe, I’m trying to keep my emotions in check so I don’t break down and start crying in front of my three year old who doesn’t understand what’s going on.

Tomorrow I’ll be going to see him for the first time in over a year, I know then I won’t be able to stop the tears..

**Sp sorry about this long post I just really have no one to talk to about this and needed to let it put a little bit..