My hormones are killing me inside

I just need somewhere safe to vent. I dont want sympathy or compassion. I just need someone to listen. In 6 weeks 5 days pregnant and I feel awful. Not because I found out I'm pregnant or anything of those sorts. I'm overjoyed about the life I'm creating. But on the other end of the axis I HATE myself right now.

I look at myself in the mirror and It makes me want to die. I look in the mirror and I see the fat little girl i hated my whole life. But it gets worse because that fat little girl is getting fatter and new stretch marks are growing on top of the old ones. I'm so afraid of how much bigger I'm going to get as these months go on. I'm afraid once it's all done and over with and I have this baby im going to be a marked up fat unhappy new mom. And after the first few months when my man gets used to having the baby. He wont love me anymore because of the new body I will have to carry around.

I'm afraid that when my little baby has grown up and it's my job to be a good parent I will fail him or her. What if I'm not a good parent. What If for some reason I slide back into drug addiction and ruin my child's life and taint her view of her mother. Not to mention destroy her life in the process.

I feel so terrible about myself I dont know what to do. I hate my body enough as it is without being pregnant. I cant help but to be so afraid of the coming months. I just want to enjoy this time its suppose to be the happiest time of my life. My fiance and I are creating a family and I cant even enjoy it because I'm afraid this depression will drag me back to my demons.

Thankyou for reading if you make it this far. I just feel so alone. Thankyou for listening ❤