When I was 17, my boyfriend at the time would force himself on me. I was completely a virgin before him, and every time he would force himself on me, he would try to convince me that that’s just how sex was. It has made me kind of demonize sex because that’s still the only sexual experience I have, even though by definition, what happened in that relationship was rape. I’ve felt uncomfortable and uneasy about what happened ever since, but I didn’t start to think about as rape until a year after the fact, which made me feel crazy. Like I said, I’ve felt uneasy about what happened, but I didn’t want to believe I had actually been a victim of rape. He also has continued to manipulate me since breaking up, and has still tried to make me believe that everything that happened was normal, even though I know that I wouldn’t be thinking about it or crying about it everyday had it just been normal, consensual sex. Like, why would I even consider posting to a group like this if everything were normal? Why would I even consider the possibility that it’s rape if it were just normal sex? I guess I just feel like kind of an idiot sometimes for not realizing what happened until a year later, despite all the flashbacks and nightmares and uneasiness I’ve had about it. I have started taking the steps to recovery though, and I’m going to start therapy soon, so hopefully that’ll help get me through this.