Dancing with Death

Amanda

My favorite song plays,

But instead of turning it up, I turn it down.

Pregnant again, the music begins...

My smile begins to frown.

I find strength in my daughter,

Although she has been asking for a brother,

I gently pat her soft toddler back...

And look to heaven for my mother.

"A second ectopic? Why?"

But no one can give me an answer...

Instead I scream in a bed of pain,

Forced to take a drug for cancer.

It was trying to survive?

No it is trying to kill you.

"It was a group of cells causing pain."

That's what they try to tell you.

Blood.

Pain.

Hair loss.

Pads.

Needle sticks.

Iv fluids.

6 Ultrasounds.

Pain medicine.

Blood loss.

The song keeps playing until,

The hcg level is down.

That growing baby is almost dead.

"Actually the scan shows 'the mass'

a 5 week growth inside the left tube."

Time to wait for someone's next move.

My husband demands and fights for my rights,

Because I dont have it in me anymore that night.

Ambulance, nurses, doctors want to see....

The pain and bleeding are tenfold now

They need to get this out of me.

I use to love it, I use to get lost in my smile

A brother or sister for our little girl, someone she could look after for a while.

A second baby to call our own, how my heart grew just a little more in size,

But then by our surprise,

The surgery had to be done,

The"mass" and my left tube were gone,

I was no longer internally bleeding,

The scar tissue was removed, everything was fixed....

Except the loss that I was feeling.

I know they say be happy you are alive,

"Think about people who cant have kids, and you already have one...."

If people could just support me by hugs, by love, by telling me it's okay to cry,

My recovery now would be a lot easier because this is my life...and I refuse to die.

But I am also not an 8 year old girl who lost a fish that is so easily replaceable,

Picture this happening to me, my husband, and our daughter......

And that is not erasable.

A. SHIFF

144 views • 6 upvotes • 5 comments

COMMENT (5)

Ca

Posted at
Stay strong mamma, you are not alone. Life sucks royally sometimes random andcruek
Stay strong mamma, you are not alone. Life sucks royally sometimes random andcruek

Ka

Posted at
Hang in there! Try not to worry about what other people think you should be feeling, and just let yourself heal however you need to. I’ve found that most people don’t even know what an ectopic pregnancy is, unless they’ve experienced one. Best wishes to you!❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Hang in there! Try not to worry about what other people think you should be feeling, and just let yourself heal however you need to. I’ve found that most people don’t even know what an ectopic pregnancy is, unless they’ve experienced one. Best wishes to you!❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Ha

Posted at
Hi Amanda! I’m SOOOO sorry that you are going through this. I had an ectopic in March of last year and lost my right tube when the methotrexate injection did not work and my tube began to rupture a week later. ImSo anxious now and just started TTC again. I’m such a nervous wreck and I am trying to stay positive. I hope you are doing ok, I’m here if you need someone to chat with. I know the exact feeling of anxiousness that you are feeling and it was completely unbearable for me too, when I was there once upon a time. Praying for you! BIG HUGS!!

Ha

HanaBee • Oct 14, 2018
Awee I’m hope you pull through, it’s definitely not an experience to just get over. Even more than a year later it’s still on my mind and extremely terrifying to think about. It took a complete toll of my self image and well being. I’m here if you ever need to chat! 💕💕💕

Am

Amanda • Oct 14, 2018
Big hugs to you. I modified the poem a bit... shortly after I wrote that I had to go back to the hospital for more testing because of the intense pain on my left side. They had to remove the left tube, it has been a week and I am an emotional wreck. I dont know why people expect other's to just bounce back from this. It is a loss. A loss of our babies, a part of us, an organ, and many questions that go unanswered. And the stigma is even worse. No one wants to talk about it. Just like mental health. I'm very sorry you had to go through that but glad you and I are both alive to talk about it together.