My favorite song plays,

But instead of turning it up, I turn it down.

Pregnant again, the music begins...

My smile begins to frown.

I find strength in my daughter,

Although she has been asking for a brother,

I gently pat her soft toddler back...

And look to heaven for my mother.

"A second ectopic? Why?"

But no one can give me an answer...

Instead I scream in a bed of pain,

Forced to take a drug for cancer.

It was trying to survive?

No it is trying to kill you.

"It was a group of cells causing pain."

That's what they try to tell you.

Blood.

Pain.

Hair loss.

Pads.

Needle sticks.

Iv fluids.

6 Ultrasounds.

Pain medicine.

Blood loss.

The song keeps playing until,

The hcg level is down.

That growing baby is almost dead.

"Actually the scan shows 'the mass'

a 5 week growth inside the left tube."

Time to wait for someone's next move.

My husband demands and fights for my rights,

Because I dont have it in me anymore that night.

Ambulance, nurses, doctors want to see....

The pain and bleeding are tenfold now

They need to get this out of me.

I use to love it, I use to get lost in my smile

A brother or sister for our little girl, someone she could look after for a while.

A second baby to call our own, how my heart grew just a little more in size,

But then by our surprise,

The surgery had to be done,

The"mass" and my left tube were gone,

I was no longer internally bleeding,

The scar tissue was removed, everything was fixed....

Except the loss that I was feeling.

I know they say be happy you are alive,

"Think about people who cant have kids, and you already have one...."

If people could just support me by hugs, by love, by telling me it's okay to cry,

My recovery now would be a lot easier because this is my life...and I refuse to die.

But I am also not an 8 year old girl who lost a fish that is so easily replaceable,

Picture this happening to me, my husband, and our daughter......

And that is not erasable.

A. SHIFF