Post partum depression: he deserves better

I'm sad. I feel overwhelmed. The sound of my baby crying makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. I'm not a good mom. He deserves better. The clean laundry has been sitting in the basket for a week. The baby is crying again and now I'm crying. Maybe he just doesnt like me. He deserves better. I'm so tired. I just want to sleep but he wants to play. Hes smiling, laughing. Okay. Everything is fine, I was overreacting. Hes crying again. Its lunch time. Crap, all of his bottles are dirty. Along with the sink full of dishes that I just dont have the energy to do right now. I'll do them once I get him down for a nap. Hes still crying. I'll just wash one bottle for now. Its nap time. He usually falls asleep with his bottle right now. Nope. Not today. Hes crying, hes overtired. Hes rubbing his eyes. 20 minutes goes by of rocking, humming singing. I beg him to please just go to sleep, I begin to cry. He deserves better. Okay. 45 minutes later hes asleep. I should do those dishes now. I accidentally drop a plate, it woke him up. He starts crying and I'm crying with him. I'm so sorry baby. He deserves better. I put on Mickey mouse and we rock. Hes calming down, holding my hand and smiling. You're so precious, I love you with my whole heart. Time to make dinner for your father. I put him in his rocking chair and bring him in the kitchen with me. Hes getting bored. He begins to squirm. I make funny faces at him to make him laugh. It works for 5 minutes. Hes getting antsy. He doesnt want to sit there. He begins to cry. Please buddy. I'm almost done, I'm just waiting for the pasta to finish boiling. Hes screaming for me to pick him up. I pick him up and soothe him. My pasta boils over. I put him down and he continues to cry, I begin to cry. He deserves better. Time to get ready for bed. Let's take a bath. He loves his bath. Hes kicking his feet, babbling and laughing. He gets mad when I try to rinse his hair. He hits my hand and I accidentally get water in his eyes. Hes mad. He cries. I'm so sorry buddy. I get him out of the tub, hes happy again. Thank goodness. Every time he cries my heart skips a beat, I begin to panic. I don't want him to be upset. I love him. I put his diaper on and a pair of Mickey mouse pajamas. Hes rolling on the floor, playing and babbling. Everything is good. I'm at ease. Its 730, time to get you to sleep. I'm exhausted. I read you a story, you dont really know what's going on but you stare at the book in awe. You start to yawn. Let's get you to sleep. I warm you a bottle and we begin to rock. You're almost asleep. But then your bottle is empty. But you only needed a few more sips to be content in dreamland. Your hands bawl into tiny fists, you're mad, you begin to cry, scream. I begin to cry. I'm sorry baby, please calm down. You were almost asleep. You're so mad. Tears are streaming your face. I turn on your projector, tiny red and blue stars dance around your room. We rock, and I beg you to go to sleep. Tears are running down my face while I just wish you would go to sleep. You deserve better. You begin to yawn, your cries begin to slow down. Your eyes are so heavy with your every blink. Your breathing slows, your eyes are closed. I lay you down and kiss your forehead. I turn on your monitor and quietly tip toe away. I see the basket of clothes still staring at me. The dishes are still halfway done in the sink. But I'm exhausted. I know you'll be awake in a few hours for another bottle. I just need to sleep. I begin to silently cry while I lay in bed. I'm so sorry baby. You deserve better.