With all the rape and sexual assault in the news recently I figured I would share my story on why I did not report my assault.

I was 19 when I had a man, 25, take my pants off after I said no. I said no, loud and clear as day. “No”. He didn’t stop, he didn’t care. He took my pants off and forced himself in me. Why didn’t I push him off? I froze. I froze looking at the wall, listening to the movie playing on the t.v. I had only met this guy one day prior.

Let me start at the beginning of this night,

The day before my friend, her boyfriend and I met up with this guy. He was friends with them, for years. On this day, we got a hotel room together just to watch movies and hangout. It was raining out and we couldn’t hangout at any of our houses. I had class the next morning so I wasn’t staying the night. My friend and her boyfriend started doing stuff under the blanket on the one bed. I was sitting on the edge of the other bed and the guy was sitting at the top of the bed. We started to talk, he kissed me. At the time I was okay with him kissing me but it slowly turned into something more. I said no. He pushed me down, held my hands and took my pants off. I said no. I tried to get my friends attention but they were to busy. He forced himself on me. I froze. I can remember the ugly yellow paint on the walls, the white trim and the movie on the t.v. I remember hearing my pants hit the floor. I remember feeling my skin twist (like an Indian burn) as he held my wrists by my sides. It didn’t last long. He looked at me and said “you aren’t wet” and got off. He left the room and my friends boyfriend went with him. She looked at me and asked if I was okay. I said “No I am not. I didn’t want that”. She said “you probably gave him the wrong idea. Oh well”. OH WELL?! From that second on I knew if I reported this and it would be their word against mine. So, I didn’t report it.

Not everyone reports their rape. Not everyone thinks they can fight. Not everyone thinks they will be believed. It is hard to tell someone you were raped. It’s hard to live with that. You blame yourself. “Maybe I did give him the wrong idea”. “Maybe my shirt was to low”. You want to know what I was wearing that night? A pink t-shirt, black sweatpants, grey hoodie and uggs. I did not ask for it to happen to me, I didn’t dress in a way to give someone permission to rape me. I did not report my rape because my friends would lie for him. They were ten feet away from me as I was being raped. They didn’t believe me.

To all of you that say girls ask for it by what they wear, go to hell. To all of you that say girls who don’t report it weren’t actually raped, go to hell. To all of you men who think they have power over women, go to hell. To all of you who think getting raped is the SURVIVORS fault, go to hell. I am a survivor. I am brave. Yes, I’d didn’t report it. Yes, he got away with it. But, he will always always know what he did. He will know what piece of crap he is. He will know how much of a coward he is that he had to force himself on someone to “get some”. He now has a family. A fiancé and daughter. I pray for his daughter. I pray that she never runs into someone like her father. I pray she never has to go through something her father once did to a girl.

I am a survivor of rape. I am proud to say that now. I overcame something that could’ve broke me down. I did not report my rape but that does not mean you can’t. If you were raped or are a survivor of sexual assault, you can report it. You can fight it.