When I was in high school (aka when I was an idiot who thought I knew everything) I always professed that I would never have kids, that I didn’t want any, that I didn’t even like kids. Thinking back now these are awful things to say.

I just got pregnant for the first time in August, I was so happy and excited about it. I was nesting and planning like a crazy woman. Unfortunately, on September 26, I miscarried my baby. It was devastating. I could not stop thinking about karma, what I did to deserve this, why me, all the things I said before.

I also can’t stop worrying about it happening again or me being sterile I don’t know I feel really worried about it I’m so scared. It is my biggest fear. I really want to have a little baby.

I also can’t stop thinking about that time when I was at a friends house in high school and my friends mom did this thing with a watch swinging over our bellies to see how much babies we’d have in the future. My friend got three and I got none. I was pleased at the moment because of my stupidness. I just keep thinking about that.

Am I being silly? Is this silly? Is this just because of the miscarriage?