Why am i so horrible

Hi this is going to be a massive rant that I have no where else to say and half of u will not care but anyway that aside my problem is that I genuinely am a cunt sorry for the language but I am, I’m so selfish and rude naturally and I have to act differently to be polite and kind to people and I do but sometimes I’ll get in a mood and I just will not care about a fucking thing, I also swear a lot so sorry, but yeh I honestly just don’t really give a shit except about myself and my happiness I guess I have been brought up this way because all my mum really cares about us herself and me and my brother, never been all too nice to my dad always slags him off in little comments which might be a reflection of how I am with my boyfriend he’s actually amazing but sometimes I just don’t want to see him or talk to him and I will bluntly just be like go away but he still treats me amazingly. And I’ve just had enough of myself being horrible I just wanna be a nice person not one who doesn’t care about anyone, I’ve also realised this sounds like I hate myself, I don’t just don’t want other people to hate me 😂

Update: I had my first counselling session yesterday and I am already seeing a different perspective to life, looking for things that make me happy and meditating really helps :)