This is really hard for me to post. I tried downloading the talkspace app to talk to a therapist but I had a panic stack because I was so scared of telling.

I was raped. But I don’t remember being raped. It’s like my mind has blocked away every single piece of that night but sometimes little moments slip through. Those little moments have been slipping through more frequently lately, yet none of the pieces reveal when it happened. I know it sounds silly, but I just can’t remember. I do know that I was 16 and it was in the summer of 2013. I had recently made friends with some guys and decided to go to a party with them in a small town outside of the city. We bought a bottle of vodka and last thing I remember is chugging it back, and then a sliver of me waking up to someone taking my pants off in the back of my truck and then black again. I then remember waking up alone and cold, with no shoes. I remember walking around town barefoot and highly intoxicated until one of my friends came and managed to find me and I was not in a good state. He took me home. A while ago that person that rescued me messaged just to say hi and that night came up, all he said was that I was really messed up.

The next day I felt off but I guess I just didn’t realize what had happened. I know that I did feel like I had sex, as a girl you just know the feeling but at the time I didn’t know what rape was or anything like that. I didn’t think something like that could happen to me. Plus, I had blacked out and couldn’t remember anything from that night.

When I went to pick my GMC Jimmy up, I noticed that there were blankets that didn’t belong to me in the back. When I returned the blankets, I explained that I did not remember anything about that night but the girls that were there had pictures and I was in them, but I don’t remember it. I don’t remember anything. I don’t fucking remember. I’ve tried looking through everyone’s social media that I can remember from way back then but there is no pictures that ring any bells. I feel like I’m going crazy.

It was 5 years ago, why is this haunting me now. What do I do.