... but I'm not sure how he feels about me. I told him how I felt in January, which turned into a conversation about how he was still pretty messed up after his break up with his ex several months back. (To be fair, it was pretty bad, he caught her with the guy she was cheating with.) He was flattered, but he couldn't bring himself to love me (or anyone) in the way I deserve, but if he was ready to date again he'd let me know. He was going to school full time for a career change and kind of used that as an excuse to ghost for a little while. He came back a few months later for help in one of his classes. It turned into us staying up really late every night on the phone. Every so often he'd make a comment about me moving away from him/his city when I broke up with my ex last year. (My friend asked me to stay there, stay with my ex while I got on my feet...) He will make comments about girls hitting on him or checking him out, I'm pretty sure it's to see if he can get a jealous reaction out of me? A few times I've joked that the line forms behind me. A few months back a guy would come in to my work to chat and obviously liked me, but I wasn't really in a spot where I was ready to date yet, so I didn't push that crush anywhere. I really liked the guy, but I didn't have a lot to offer at the time. My friend would ask about that guy and sounded concerned/afraid during that part of the conversation. And he'd kind of validate my feeling like I was not really in a position to date, he felt like he was in the same place. (TBH, I was living with my female best friend, had no car, no money, and no time because I was working two jobs. I was/am rebuilding my life after walking out of a 16 year relationship and then bouncing through two very short but horrible relationships.) He kind of slipped up in one conversation where he was giving me a pep talk because I felt really down; I was working really hard but I felt like I wasn't making any progress. "I need you to stay focused on your goals, I need you to do that for me." Uh what? There's a lot of talk about what he expects in a partner now and his friends and family want him to start dating, but he's not really interested in anyone they've suggested. Except for *The Girl Nextdoor*(TM) who he's intimidated by, and she's about 7 years younger than him. And honestly I feel my heart fall on the floor every time he mentions her. He goes to a lot of family/neighborhood functions and she's there. He hasn't said anything about her in about two months, so I don't know if he hasn't seen her or if he heard my heart hit the floor and decided to stop bringing her up so I don't die?? But to be honest it seems like she conveniently quit coming up when I mentioned that I'm pretty sure the guy who came in to my work got the transfer he put in for.

We will talk about sex and sometimes I'm paranoid and afraid and don't know if it's only because he hasn't had sex in a long time and he gets a kick out of how frustrated it makes me. Sometimes he throws me moving away in my face like, "You could know what I'm all about, but you wouldn't listen to me and stay." Or if he's looking for a FWB relationship?? He lives 1500 miles away so that makes no sense? And choosing your best friend is the worst idea. A girl he has his internship with keeps trying to hook up with him and he's said he's not interested in anything like that. In that same conversation he said he was thinking to himself, "Man, I wish she'd shut up. I want to call my white girl in Cali. I miss her." I teased him about that in a text later and he chose to ignore it. Instead gave me this long hypothetical situation that boiled down to what would I think about going sight seeing all day then having sex all night and even if I was too tired to keep going what would I do or say if the guy wanted to keep going.

I don't know what to think. Mostly I'm afraid if I bring up my feelings again it's going to be the same conversation (or similar) we had in January and I'll lose him for good this time. I don't know why I expect the worst out of this? I haven't texted or called today or yesterday beause I've needed space to think, and I know he has to study for exams. I don't know if I should just step back to see if he pursues anything at a pace comfortable for him? I really don't want anything even close to a FWB, so I don't send nudes. He has to be a moron to not see I still have feelings for him. (He asked if I was in close enough proximity to give him a hug, what else would I do? Kidnap him and keep him, I hope he fits in my backpack and I hope his family doesn't report him missing right away. -- Bait for sexting? Or more hypotheticals?) I really don't know. I don't know if there are mixed signals because he's scared to be in love again, or if he only thinks of me at most as a BFWB, or what the deal is.

UPDATE***

We had a long heart to heart; he has feelings too, but he doesn't feel we are in a place in our lives to start a successful relationship (he'll be working 50+ hour weeks soon and I have a few semesters of school left & I work full time). I agree with him. That alone makes any relationship hard, we live states away, so time is definitely hard to line up and consistent travel is expensive. I feel better but absolutely heart broken. He'd rather keep me in his life as a friend than try to start a relationship when our lives are the way they are and lose me because things don't work out. Which I also agree with. It doesn't make my heart ache any less, but at least my head feels clearer and I know things aren't completely lopsided.