(warning I'm going to talk in detail about self harm)

It used to be really bad, a few years ago I was extremely dependent, I would carry an Altoids can around with me with alchohal preps, bandages, and razors. I'd cut my self at least few times a day, any time I got stressed out, and always before I slept. Over the years the wounds got worse, I was hospitalized a few times. When I met my bf at 14 (he was 17) he slowly tried to get me to stop, it finally worked when he said that anytime I cut myself he would cut himself. I relapes a few times after that (he never hurt himself), I started burning myself instead, which he helped me stop again. The last time I relapsed was a little over a year ago. To help myself stop, I started smoking cigarettes, and after a few months I stopped that too. Separately, I've always had issues with not eating, it has nothing to do with my weight or how I look, I just liked how it felt to be in control of that.

I have been diagnosed with high functioning mild autism, depression, anxiety and depersonalization disorder, I struggle the most with the last two. I take zoloft and abilify. Me and my bf have lived together since I was 16 (Im currently a 17yo emancipated minor and he is 20), recently I've been thinking about self harm so often, any time I see a pencil sharpener or a razor or anything I get so tempted to take it apart. I don't know what's wrong with me or why I even feel like I need it.

I don't want to self harm but I feel like I need something right now, and I've been thinking that maybe I should stop eating for a bit till I feel better? I know that sounds insane but I don't know what else to do. I just really don’t understand why I feel like I need to hurt myself.