i don’t even know where to start.

it’s been a month ago and i still can’t stop thinking about it.

there was a party and i went to with friends and i had drunken too much.

this guy, a really good friend of mine, let’s call him A ( we had a thing this summer ) was there too. we never had sex but we had done other stuff, but every time he wanted to have sex i backed out and i had told him so many times that i wanted to wait. one of the reasons is, i was sexually assaulted this summer as well and he knew that, because it was something that broke me and since that i wasn’t really the same anymore. but at the end of the night i was so waisted, i could barely walk.

a guy even wanted to call 911, so A took me home because i was sleeping there with another friend. and let’s say i was terribly drunk and everybody who had seen me was aware of it. so when we got home he undressed me because i had thrown up and he put me in his bed. after an hour my other friend got home and they both went to sleep, but A put himself into the bed i was laying. and he woke me up, because i had slept before apparently ( i don’t know anything of that night anymore) but then he started to kiss me and started to do things to me i didn’t want to and then he made me do things to him, ( i was so drunk at this moment, i can’t remember it ) and then he had sex with me. but the condom broke so, he stopped and ‘we’ went back asleep. the next morning i woke up and there was blood in his bed ( i was a virgin ) and i was like what happened? and he told me what happened. i was so shocked, i couldn’t believe it. because i know myself and i wanted to wait. so i went home and tried to forget everything, later when i spoke to him again and when i got mad he told me i was the one who started to do things and that i was the one who wanted to sleep next to him and that i asked for a condom and that he thought that i was sober?!. i blacked out and didn’t remember a single thing of the night so i was like okay, if that’s true then it’s just my fault. but after hearing stories of my friends, i started to doubt his story because his story didn’t match my friends’. so this week i called him ( a month has been passed ) and after asking the same questions again and again and pushing he finally told me the ‘truth’. he was the one who started things and that i didn’t do anything because ‘i’ wanted to, he made me do those things. and that he knew that i wanted to wait, and that he kind of advantage had taken of me. he confessed everything, and he lied about so many things but even after his confession, he still says i was the one who asked for a condom and who wanted to sleep next to him but because of all the lies i don’t know why i should trust him anymore. he told all his friends we slept together and now again, he’s blaming me again. but he confessed to me and i don’t know what to do, was it all my fault? if i did ask for a condom, would it have been okay that he did those things to me? even when he knew i didn’t want to? i feel so bad, and now the entire school thinks i have been raped but now that guy ( A ) is telling everybody a different story and i don’t know what to do, i feel like everybody’s thinking that it’s all my fault and that i deserved it.