Judge me don’t judge me it’s okay. I judge myself everyday. I was with a guy. He were good together then I left him because I was going to a different country for a year. Fell in love with another man. After a year got married at twenty. Had our first baby at twenty two. She’s ten months now. Ever since the pregnancy I found myself crying because I was throwing up and was having a hard time sleeping. Not only that I knew he was in the other room watching porn because I was too nauseous. He complained how I never wanted to have sex but didn’t want to understand what I was going through. I had uti three times that pregnancy but the pregnancy got easier toward the end besides the extra weight. I walked everyday by myself because he never wanted to join me. I cleaned the whole house and did as I would do before even though I asked for his help but he just put it off. After our baby girl was born my parents in law helped so much and they still help so much. I’m so thankful for them. After she was born my whole world changed. I was a mom and that was it. But I still felt like my husband was still in his old life. He wouldn’t come home till late and wouldn’t wake up till afternoon. I took care of the baby and cleaned the house. He never wanted to help with the baby unless I asked him. Even when she was older he never planned to take us anywhere. I’m still living in his country and I have very few friends so I have never felt so lonely in my life. I felt like a single mom but not only was I taking care of me and the baby I was also picking up after another man. I would find myself crying when he wasn’t home. I celebrated fathers day for him but he didn’t get me anything. I was waking up and going to bed alone every night. He works as a performer at the bar. I spent most days and night by myself or with his parents. He would always have something to do. And I’m sure there is something but I felt like there was no time for his family. One time he left me with the baby because he was going to hang out with friends. The baby usually sleeps well but she was screaming and I couldn’t calm her. I hear the door slam and after an hour finally get her back to sleep. He messaged me asking if she’s okay. I told him if he really cared that much why the fuck did he leave. Turned into a big fight but no resolution. I would plan things with our friends and every time he would say he was tired and didn’t want to go even though he knew how important it is to me. I messaged my ex to ask how he was doing. It had been four years. We talk and then talk more and become friends. I found myself smiling and laughing when talking to him. I realize I’m having feelings for him and tell him that I can’t talk to him anymore. He understands and we don’t talk. I told my husband everything including why I was so unhappy and what I need from him and that I was talking to my ex. He says he understands, he says that he’s not giving me something I’m going to find it somewhere else. He says he’s gonna try and be better. Okay cool! That’s great! Things are going to get better. The next day.... nothing has changed. Everything he said last night doesn’t even happen. Time goes by and I’m becoming less happy by the day. I message ex to say hi. He says he’s been worried about me and wanted to talk but didn’t want to intrude. We talk then I feel guilty stop talking then talk again. One day I went to the market to buy vegetables for my lunch. My husband works our so he’s on a strict diet so usually I eat by myself. I take the baby and I buy lettuce. She takes some and I can’t see because I’m trying to talk to the lady and pay her and put the lettuce in my bag. Baby eats some dirty lettuce then starts choking then throws up. I went home and started bawling. I couldn’t do it anymore. He comes out and asks what’s wrong. I tell him and I tell him I want to go home. I don’t want to be here anymore. I feel alone and there’s nothing here for me. He says the same things as last time and I believe him. Months go by and nothing changes. It starts effecting our sex life. I’m still talking to ex. Yes I feel guilty about it. We don’t talk about my marriage or the past. Just like friends would do. Fast forward ten months. He sees that someone is calling my phone. He asks who it is. I say my friend. My ex. He thinks it’s weird that he’s calling. I say he’s just a good friend. Asks if he wants me to stop talking to him. He says it’s up to me. This past week I’ve been seeing a difference in the things he does. He comes home and says thank u for cleaning. He helps me do the dishes. He hangs out with us. Things are getting better . Slowly but better. And I want to feel like I used to feel before the pregnancy before the baby but it’s hard. I know he’s trying but I’ve exhausted myself to him, gave him everything, left everything I knew for him and it’s hard for me to feel that’s way again. I was let down so many times... have I fallen out of love with him. Of course I love him and I care about him. I feel so selfish because I didn’t stop talking to my ex when I should have. Idk 😔 thanks for reading