You’ll always be my baby ❤️

6.13.17 was the last time I saw those two glorious pink lines.

I was sooo happy. I instantly felt like my life finally had a purpose. My first job as your mommy was to keep you warm and safe and growing as long as possible. I had no idea that it would only be for a weeks time.

A little bit of spotting for a day...could be normal.

Some cramps for a day...could be normal.

But Mommy has wanted you for so very long so to the ER we went. I’ll admit, I was somewhat happy to get to check in on you and hopeful that Daddy and I would get to see you since we wouldn’t be going to the doctor for a few more weeks.

HCG was high. There was no doubt that you were real and growing.

Except they couldn’t find you where you should be.

When the doctor said ectopic my heart sank. I was worried you were leaving me through miscarriage but never once considered you were ectopic. The doctor wanted to take you from me right then and there but I wasn’t ready to let you go. Maybe you’re just too small. Maybe we’re not as far as we thought. Maybe you’ll move. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Why. Why. Why.

We agreed to come back and look for you again in two days. HCG was even higher. You’re there and you’re definitely growing. We still can’t find you where you should be. The hardest thing I’ve ever done is sign a consent through teary eyes to allow a strong medication to take you from me. They said it will take almost a week.

I went for a check up after a long week of tears and trying to face the fact that you’re gone, but you’re not. You’re still with me. And much to everyone’s surprise, still growing, despite the methotrexate. The stickiest little bean ever. My little fighter. But that doesn’t change the fact that I still don’t get to keep you. You’ve done such a good job growing like you should but Mommy has failed you. My tube cannot support you anymore. It’s starting to rupture and cause internal bleeding, even though I feel fine. They tell me this is an emergency situation and without surgery neither of us will make it. I know when I wake up you’re going to be gone this time and I cherish every second I can.

These two pictures and a scar are the only things I have left of you. Not a day goes by that I don’t love you, think about you, miss you and wonder who you would have been. You’re my first babe and you’ll always be special to me, after all, over the last two years you’ve been the only little one your Daddy and I have been able to make. Which breaks my heart even more. Watch over us little angel. And when you’re done getting to know your little brother or sister, please guide them down to us 💙👼🏻💗